The World's Plaidiest News Source
2007
Aug
29
Today’s story is the tip of an iceberg that will be floating your way soon global friends. I just flew into Islamabad from a quick stop in London, where I was able to throw back a few lagers at a choice pub with some fine Swedish beauties and check in with Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) on some recent developments.So what the hell am I talking about – a party with some Pakistani hotties?? Unfortunately no, but this could be just as hot:
Musharraf ‘to quit as army chief’
Musharraf said to agree to end his army role
Benazir Bhutto charges ‘to be dropped’
Bhutto and Musharrafy ‘reach deal’
Precariously Perilous Position: President Pervez of Pakistan
General Pervez Musharraf is easily the most totally fucked world leader on the planet right now—and his season of hell has no happy ending in sight either. Man, I wouldn’t wish his position on a broke-dick dog. What am I talking about? I’m glad you asked my plaid party posse, ‘cause you Americans really need to know this shit, especially since your government has a huge interest in Pervez and the whole precarious Paki predicament! Here we go:
General Pervez Musharraf is also President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan. But make no bones about it, while he may be called President and walk around in a nice suit, he is still the main General and commands the armed forces. Mush took over the government by force in 1999 and has led it ever since. He is a huge US ally (Pakistan is the #3 recipient of US foreign aid), and major player in the fight against global terrorism, but simultaneously is not much loved at home. Pervez gets all that US aid and support in order to fight terrorism in Pakistan and Afghanistan—remember, Osama bin Laden and his funky bunch are thought to still be chillin’ out in the area around the border.
And Musharraf is trying to pacify the wants and desires of 170 million Paki citizens—that’s the 6th biggest population in the world. It’s also a devoutly Islamic society, including the whole spectrum of religious views from the mainstream to the seriously extreme. It’s a society that has attempted to be a democracy since its inception back in 1947, with less than desirable results—the reason Mush took over the country in 1999 was because of massively widespread government corruption. And Pakistan is a nuclear power, with nuclear missiles that need to be controlled. And to fight terrorism, he has had to crack down on civil liberties in the country, which pisses off the locals. And to keep getting international aid, he has to suck up to the western powers, which pisses off the locals more. And, and , and….and this guy is fucked!
There have been several assassination attempts, and violent protests always seem to lurk just below the surface of this society. The latest turmoil erupted over the summer when Pervez fired the leader of the Pakistani Supreme Court (the guy was just re-instated last week). This caused widespread protests by folks who were pro-democracy and felt like Mush has too much power. It also incited riots by pro-Islamist groups who want the whole state to become an Islamic republic like Iran (maybe you heard about the Red Mosque shooting/stand-off back in July?). Dude! Everything this guy does pisses everybody off here lately!
With the attempted sacking of a powerful Pakistan Supreme Court judge and the rapid increase of shit being blown to bits throughout the country, his support is at an all time low and parliamentary elections are rapidly approaching. At hand is some crazy shizznit, stemming mostly from the Perv’s dual role as president and military chief. Since seizing power in a 1999 coup, Musharraf has held both positions, much to the ire of many – including Nawiz Sharif and Benazir Bhutto, who happen to be former prime ministers now living in exile that are not known for their love for the Perv.
Sharif is certainly a critical part of this Paki saga, but let’s just talk about Bhutto for now, because she will soon be playing an important role in Pakistan‘s political climate based on what is unfolding right this second. This hottie has been a political exile in London for quite some time, since being ousted from her position as Prime Minister on corruption charges—actually, she was thrown out of office for corruption not once, but twice! Fired from being the Prime Minister in 1990, she came back and got fired again and exiled in 1996. Her father, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, was a highly controversial former president and prime minister of Pakistan that was executed as the result of some fucked up stuff that happened in the late 70’s—so the Bhutto clan is well known in the country. The Bhuttos also started the PPP [the Pakistan People’s Party] which Benazir now heads, even though she is not in the country. She has been an outspoken critic of Musharraf for years, joining many in the calling for him to ‘remove the uniform’ and give up his military post while serving as president. Musharraf has repeatedly ignored the outcry with a big ass “Hell No!!,” and Bhutto has been unable to return to Pakistan for fear of arrest and prosecution by a sketchy judicial system.
So why is Bhutto—a critical, corrupt, exiled hottie—suddenly so important to the Perv? I mean, the lady isn’t even in Pakistan, right?? As stated above, Musharraf has seen his popularity steadily decline throughout this year for many reasons—the Supreme Court tinkering, the increase in militant Islamic activity, his pro-Western ass-kissing, etc. He kind of ‘faked’ an election a few years back in order to make it look like the place is still a functioning democracy. To ‘fake’ another election here soon to regain another 5-year appointment could be explosive! I mean, ask any woman about this kind of shit—you can only ‘fake’ it so many times before you get busted…ladies, you know what I’m saying out there! If the Mush tries to slip another ‘set-up election’ orgasm past his people again, there will be a real explosion. Pun intended.
So the General/President can’t fake it this time. And he can’t win outright on his own either. So what to do? How about teaming up with a powerful, popular political party? Hell yeah Mush! Do that! The PPP is very popular in Pakistan, and a power sharing deal with this group could widely expand the Perv’s support base. In addition, Bhutto herself has a pro-Western outlook and has been outspoken in condemning radical Islamic activity in the country—a plus for the US, which has been encouraging that these two get together for a while now. So what is in this spicy deal, anyway? Well, it is too early to tell, but the PA has got a serious tip on this one. Here is what could happen, and most likely will if things continue down the same path:
Musharraf will strip his uniform prior to seeking appointment? Holy shit PA—a naked world leader?? No friends, but I have seen a few in my day (and, surprisingly, Margaret Thatcher did have soft, supple buttocks). What this means is that he will he will most likely step down as military chief prior to the end of the year, in exchange for Bhutto’s, and more importantly the PPP, support. Bhutto will most likely be able to return to Pakistan, with assurances that she receives immunity from the corruption charges that resulted in her exile. She may even be given an opportunity to play a role in the future prime minister position.
Long story short: General Musharraf will retire. President Musharraf will run for the presidency again. And Miss Benazir will shake, shake, shake her Bhutto into being the Prime Minister. At least that’s want the US desperately wants—‘cause they are relying on Mush to keep up the fight against terrorism in the area, and it looks like Bhutto is going to help out with that too.
Hmmmm…..speaking of Bhuttos, I need to get back down to the local hookah bar for some local action. Party on my friends.
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2007
Aug
27
Greetings Globe Watchers! Your plaid correspondent just touched down in Paris last nite to attend an affable assembly of amicable ambassadors, all while absorbing vast amounts of Armagnac. French ambassadors that is, drinking that fine-ass French brandy. What the hell am I talking about? I’m talking about a speech given by French President Nicolas Sarkozy to the entire French ambassador squad—it is Nick’s first big speech on France‘s new foreign policy since he took office back in May of this year. And it was a doozy! Remember way back when, when most folks thought of the Frenchies as a bunch of wussies? Oh wait, that was just yesterday…. But hold on folks! Today is a new day, and France has grown a huge set of balls overnite! Check this shit out:
Sarkozy: Iran’s nuclear plans could be “catastrophic”
Sarkozy calls for troop exit from Iraq
Sarkozy boosting French force in Afghanistan
Bush hosts Sarkozy, sans ‘freedom fries’
Talk about radical turn-arounds! What these stories all allude to is that President Nicolas Sarkozy is making a pretty big departure from standard French foreign policy of the last decade or two. For those of you not in the know, here is the deal: France has typically played spoiler to US foreign policy in terms of either not supporting it, or outright opposing it.
Like the current war in Iraq. The Frenchies (under their former President Jacques Chirac) blocked all moves made by the US at the United Nations Security Council to make the Iraq invasion a UN-sanctioned or UN-legitimized war. They refused to support the US, which of course served to piss off the Bush administration and Americans in general—remember when the Congressional cafeteria changed the name of French fries to Freedom fries? Hahahaha what a fucking joke! But to be sure, many Americans still hate the French for their liberal ways and refusal to blindly support US tactics. Many Americans refuse to even drink French wine as part of their protest. Mmmmm…more for me to drink! But once again, I digress…
But the times are a changing my friends! That was the old France, and Nicolas Sarkozy is the new—and much more pro-US—face of the Frenchies. Check the stories above again. He just came to the US and partied with George Bush last month! And the whole damn Bush clan was there too! They fed the poor bastard hot dogs and hamburgers and probably made him play whack-a-mole at the fucking county fair! How hilarious is that? You can think of Sarkozy as the Bush of France if it helps you remember him—he is conservative, pro-business, and much more hawkish than any of his predecessors when it comes to foreign affairs. Which brings us back to the brainstorm of this blog:
When it comes to foreign policy, President Sarkozy is a ballsy son of a bitch. In his speech to the ambassadors today, he unleashed several major points which depart radically from the Chirac administration:
BIG BALLS POINT #1: Sarkozy still thinks the Iraq war was a mistake, and even has balls of steel enough to call for the US to start pulling out troops….BUT, he in the same breath stated that France was now ready to help the international community bring about a political solution to the situation. Damn! That’s new!
BIG BALLS POINT # 2: Sarkozy wants to increase French troops and support to Afghanistan. Damn! That is a huge boost to the US and NATO forces in general which have been begging the international community to do more in that fucked up country. When is the last time you heard about the French wanting to increase troops anywhere? Certainly not in World War II. George Bush must be beaming with pride, as is NATO…particularly since most of the other European NATO countries have been dragging their feet on the Afghan situation. How can other countries not pony up if the French are going to? Damn, they will all have to save face now…
BIG BALLS POINT #3: Sarkozy basically totally agreed with current US foreign policy concerning IRAN. He said that Iran is the biggest threat in the Middle East, and under no circumstances would he sit idly by while they acquired nuclear technology. Shit man, he went as far as to subtly suggest that Iran would be bombed before he let them get the bomb. Damn! Balls-a-plenty! Iran is going to be pissed about that remark! But I’ll bet that George Bush and Dick Cheney cracked open a bottle of Jim Beam in the Oval Office to celebrate the Sarkozy speech. Yee-Ha! They got themselves an ally at last!
Long story short, know who Nick Sarkozy is. Know that he has an extremely similar world outlook as the Bush White House. And know this: we are very likely to see the French being more pro-active on the world stage than they have been since they sent Lafayette over to the colonies to help kick some British ass. We will see the Frenchies start to take a more central role in a lot of the world’s hotspots…be it in Africa, Iraq, Afghanistan, or even a drug-free Tour de France.
Sarkozy is going to put the French back in fries. For sure.
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2007
Aug
24
Holy Picachu pebbles!!! Even Godzilla would shit himself over this one! Some fucking lunatic in Japan cut off his little finger, made a DvD of the butchering, and then mailed the finger and the film to the Prime Minister of Japan Shinzo Abe! What in the living hell is that all about? Well, I’m glad you asked my friends because its actually a quite important issue in modern Japan right now, for reasons which are completely ignored in the US press…but you want to be smarter than that, so check these out:
Severed pinkie sent to LDP to protest Abe’s Yasukuni no-show
Japanese prime minister skips Yasukuni visit
No Yasukuni visit for Abe, Cabinet on WWII anniversary
What the hell is so important about a shrine that it causing international consternation, internal dissent, and insane people to chop off body parts? Oh…cause its this particular shrine, perhaps the most controversial place for dead people on the planet:
Yasukuni Shrine (literally “peaceful nation shrine”) is a controversial Shinto shrine located in Tokyo that is dedicated to the spirits of soldiers who died fighting on behalf of the Japanese emperor. So what’s the problem? Every country honors its war dead, don’t they? The Yasukuni Shrine also honors a total of 1,068 convicted Japanese war criminals, including 14 executed Class A war criminals, a fact that has engendered protests in a number of neighboring countries who believe their presence indicates a failure on the part of Japan to fully atone for its military past.
The former Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi regularly visited the shrine throughout his long tenure, which consistently served to totally piss off China and South Korea . . .and perhaps even North Korea, but who knows since they are totally whack-ass insane. Why would a shrine visit piss off Korea and China you ask? Because prior to and during World War II, Japan committed all manners of war atrocities in these two countries. Hell, the Japanese essentially ran the entire country of Korea as a slave colony for over 40 years before they were defeated at the end of WWII.
Japan fucked over lots of other countries too during their era of military aggression and expansion, but the Koreans and the Chinese suffered the worst, for the longest. Therefore, it should not surprise you to hear that the leader of today’s Japan going to a shrine to honor dead soldiers really gets China and Korea all fired up. It’s the equivalent of the Germans visiting a war shrine to pay respects to Hitler and the other Nazi war dead. Sound extreme? Yep. But I call ‘em like I see ‘em. Can you even imagine Angela Merkel showing up to pay homage to Hitler at a cemetery? Holy shit! She would be out of office faster than sauerkraut shit through a goose!
And that brings us back to our story of the day: the current Prime Minister Abe Shinzo has decided to try to NOT piss off all of his neighbors, and has therefore declined to visit the shrine. Why would he do that? Because China and Korea are now economic powerhouses in their own right in today’s world, and Japan is not the only big boy in the neighborhood. Abe wants to improve relations as best he can to hedge his bets for security in the future. China is certainly fast becoming a global power on the order of the US…and while Japan has the US as its greatest ally, Abe figures that there is no real point in intentionally pissing off the Chinese on a regular basis.
All sorts of trade and investment go back and forth between all these Asian economic juggernauts (yes, South Korea too—they will soon join the top 10 economies on the plant; Japan and China are already #2 and #4 respectively) and no one in the Japanese leadership wants to risk economic relations. Particularly since the rapidly growing Chinese middle class is quickly becoming Japan’s biggest consumer base for all sorts of great Japanese gadgets and useless shit—like cars and video games and Pokemon shit and DvD players so they can watch a Japanese guy cut off his own finger. Oh yes! What about that freak?
Back to the fingerless freak: not everyone in Japan puts economics or global security as their highest priority, and this dude is one such person. The Japanese are a very nationalist bunch—Japan first baby! Japan number one! Yeah! Picachu kicks ass!—as are lots of folks in lots of different countries. But they do seem to take it a step further sometime…i.e. see World War Two. The dude who cut off his finger thinks the leadership is being weak and wussy by not being proud of Japan‘s past. By the way, he is not totally alone either…lots of folks in Japan would espouse a belief in ethnic superiority to their Asian neighbors. Sound like racism? Yeah, it does to me too. Its no coincidence that Japan is ethnically 99% Japanese people: they don’t really allow any immigration at all, so as to keep Japan purely Japanese.
But that’s why this shit is so fascinating in today’s world: because Japan has to change. They don’t really have a choice. Their declining population is forcing them to rethink their immigration policies, and the rise of their Asian neighbors is forcing them to rethink their diplomatic policies.
And let me end with this little jewel that you otherwise wouldn’t hear about: Abe is trying to be particularly sensitive about this shrine issue, because he doesn’t want the Chinese and Koreans to feel threatened as he ramps up for the next big bombshell which is this: a big bombshell. Huh? WTF? Did I double-type? Nope. Here’s the deal: Shinzo Abe has long been a proponent to scrap the clause in the Japanese constitution that prohibits Japan from having an army and offensive weapons…the Avenger believes that he is about to make concrete moves to chuck out that clause.
And Abe is savvy: he knows that this move will cause an uproar among those same Asian countries that get pissed when anyone visits that war shrine. So he’s not visiting. He wants to be in a position that he can tell the Chinese and Koreans: “Look, we are not re-arming to replay our military past, in fact, I’m really sorry about all that WWII shit, and I’m not even visiting the shrine anymore!” Abe will say that Japan has to re-arm to counter the North Korean threat, as well as to be able to help the US in its global anti-terrorism war—which by the way he actually does really believe. And it doesn’t hurt that the US is a HUGE fan of Japan re-arming, since it will provide a counter to the growth of Chinese power in the region. But that’s a topic for another blog…..
Back to sake shots and sushi sliders. I have to ramp up for my next Pokemon battle. Picachu, don’t let me down you little bitch!
-PA
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2007
Aug
21
What is happening Plaid People! I am high above the Pacific (take puns as you wish)—returning from a crazy night in Beijing. I spent the past seven hours talking shop and dropping cocktails with one of the most powerful people on the planet, Chen Yuan.
Who, you ask, is that dude? Chen “C-Notes” Yuan is the Governor of the China Development Bank (CDB). The CDB is the largest bank in China and is, of course, state-owned. That means Mr. C-Notes is both a member of the Chinese Communist Government Elite AND the manager of a giant fucking bank fortune. We’re talking billions and billions!
And the CDB has recently been in the news, check this out:
http://www.economist.com/displayStory.cfm?story_id=9556414&fsrc=RSS
http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/08/20/business/wealth.php?page=1
That’s right, Mr C-Notes has grabbed a share in the British bank, Barclays. The commies are taking over the global banking system! But don’t fear—when it comes to profit, the Chinese would shit on Karl Marx’s grave to earn an extra 0.1% interest. The CDP has absolutely no intention on redistributing any of Barclay’s wealth to further the dream of a socialist utopia.
Anyway, the take home message from this news story is that the Chinese Government is beginning to flex its financial muscles as a global investor. This has two effects:
(1) it increases China‘s stake in the current financial system (what’s bad for the market is bad for China)
(2) it gives China increased power to effect the global financial system
The main worry is that China will use its share in private companies to influence foreign governments. For example, China can lobby the British government—through Barclays—to adopt pro-China policies. Or, China can threaten to sell off its large share of Barclay’s on the cheap to disrupt the British economy. Of course, if they did this, China‘s economy wouldn’t exactly be a winner in the deal.
The Plaid Avenger’s take, if anyone cares, is that corporations love money. They will do anything they can to maximize profit. It doesn’t matter if the main investors are Mid-Western White Americans or Han-Chinese Government Playboys.
I’ve got to cut this off—my Mile High Club Membership is in need of renewal. Party in Plaid!
-PA
Comments
2007
Jun
4
Ha! Smashing comedy! How capital! And speaking of capital, today’s topical topic involves those eight countries containing copious quantities of capital—the G-8. The Great-8 as I like to refer to them as. And the G could also stand for G-money my brotha’s and sista’s cause the 8 has got that too! I was just taking a weekend holiday in Amsterdam, when sure enough anywhere I show up shit hits the fan…and by shit I mean beer bottles, rocks, tear gas…you know, usual mob stuff.
That’s right friends, it’s almost time for the annual G8 summit and the Germans decided to start celebrating a couple of days early! Check this out:
G-8 Protesters Clash With German Police
Violent clashes at G8 demo in Germany
You remember the G8, right? If not, the G8 is basically just a group of eight richest “democratic” countries (Germany, US, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Japan, and Russia). Once a year, the leaders of the G8 states like to get together and chat—mostly about staying rich and keeping everyone else poor. This is actually how the G8 got started—leaders from the six richest, most awesome democratic countries (this is before Canada and Russia joined the club) met for cocktails in 1975 and after the party, they decided to do it again next year. This yearly party slowly evolved into a formal organization with a rotating presidency, blah, blah, blah…
Anyway, there is one sucky aspect about being president of the G8: you gotta host the party! Let me tell you, I have hosted some Animal House style parties in my day, but even the Plaid Avenger would NEVER choose to host a G8 summit! Nothing incites the poor, the disenfranchised, and the radical-left like a bunch of empowered white dudes getting together to bullshit about being rich. And NOBODY likes to riot more than the before mentioned groups (except, perhaps, residents of Detroit, Michigan).
As you can tell by the articles, this year’s summit is being held at a beach front resort in Heiligendamm, Germany. Ahhh… summer in Germany… and there is nothing as exclusive as a beach front resort surrounded by a giant-ass barb wire fence. And with an “underwater barrier” erected to keep out all the damn boats. (Plaid Party Tip: The secret to throwing a great summit—Fortify the SHIT out of the place!) The party will surely be wild inside the fence. It will be the last G8 summit meeting for several 
important heads of state: Vlad “The Man” Putin, Tony “Poodle-Boy” Blair, and Jacques “The Rock” Chirac (Plaid Prediction: the Kempinski Grand Hotel will be several bathrobes short at the end of the summit). It will also be the first G8 summit for Gordon ‘Brown Sugar’ Brown, Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy, and Shinzo “Sake-to-me” Abe—who, according to several sources, is capable of drinking over 30 Sapparo Black Label beers in one sitting! Sweet!
But, the real excitement will be outside of the fence. The pre-party started at a peaceful protest” in nearby Rostock. Don’t be surprised if people get more pissed and more violent after the summit actually begins! While G8 summits are typically filled with protest, this year may be worse than normal. Here are a few reasons why:
1.Energy costs are sky high.
2.Global Warming scares the shit out of people living in the Northern European lowlands.
3.GW Bush is remarkably even LESS popular than he was last year. Jesus! How is that possible?
What will the summit accomplish? Probably nothing as usual. This international group does not have any binding contractual agreement to actually do or enforce anything. It’s more just a ‘fireside chat’ among these top world leaders about what to focus on in the coming year, with no real intent to actually put any policy in place.
However, you should be aware about this ‘focus’ stuff. It was absolutely no coincidence that US President George Bush suddenly came out with a policy just last week which states that his administration wants to start dealing with global warming—after essentially ignoring the issue for six years! Its going to be up for debate at the G-8, and George doesn’t want to be odd man out anymore.
Also, look for everyone to be kissing Putin’s ass as much as possible since Russia is flexing its muscles here lately since establishing itself as an energy-producing giant. Since Russia provides shit-tons of energy to Europe, I’ll also bet that Putin is going to be putting the squeeze on those European leaders to convince the US to stop building its missile defense shield sites in Eastern Europe—in fact I’d put a lot of money on that bet.
OK, enough on this, I’m headed back to the “coffee shop”. I’ll catch you plaid cats later. Party in plaid.
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Musharraf will strip his uniform prior to seeking appointment? Holy shit PA—a naked world leader?? No friends, but I have seen a few in my day (and, surprisingly, Margaret Thatcher did have soft, supple buttocks). What this means is that he will he will most likely step down as military chief prior to the end of the year, in exchange for Bhutto’s, and more importantly the 
