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Junta Jackasses Man-handling Monks? Shit, Someone Please Invade this State!!!

Greetings from Burma my plaid friends! The place was renamed Myanmar byNice place…shitty government. the  military dictator assholes who are currently crushing the country under an iron fist, so in the name of freedom, please always refer to this state as Burma: it’s first, true, and free name! But I get ahead of myself in this story, because quite frankly it pisses me off so much that it gets my panties in a bunch in a hot shit hurry!  I just covertly slid my plaid hydrofoil craft onto the beaches of Burma outside of Rangoon.  Why covertly?  Because the whack leaders of this crazy state have turned this tropical paradise into a full-fledged psychotic hell on earth—and they don’t take kindly to strangers…especially those that are dedicated fighters for freedom! The Plaid Avenger will strike this place with a fury that hell hath not known! But first, some news:

Myanmar junta deploys police at monasteries to contain monk protests

Burma junta snarls at West

Burma cracks down on Students group

Myanmar junta accuses top activists of terrorism

Myanmar troubles Apec

So what you can see from the stories above is that Burma is currently entering a state of crisis for Ready for action! Burmese army trains vigorously to shoot unarmed monks!the government….but know this my plaid friends: it’s not the first crisis those assholes have encountered! Folks are starting to take to the streets to protest the doubling of fuel prices in the country that happened last week.  And the military dictators in charge are responding as usual: by sending the army and police to arrest, or beat the shit out of, or outright kill the student protestors, regular working class folks, and even Buddhist monks! I’m sorry, but any government that kills college students and monks is just a pack of freakin’ shit-hounds in the Avenger’s eyes! Beating up college co-ed hotties? There is no excuse! Assholes! The lot of them! That’s why I refer to them as military ‘dick’-tators. Dammit! I’m fired up!!! But I digress as usual….back to the story:

The protests erupting across the country over fuel are being brutally suppressed, but you should be aware that what is happening right now is a repeat of past events.  This is not new material.  This pack of dick-tators has crushed, maimed, tortured and killed its citizens for over 45 years….especially the ones that have protested about anything, especially any kind of democratic reform. Hmmmm…perhaps we should back up the cart a little for you to understand this one…

Burma used to be part of the ‘British India’ colonial territorial holdings, which also included modern Original Burmese Hero: Aung Sanday India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh.  The Brits gave up claim to these territories on in 1947, and thus began the history of the modern states of India and Pakistan…and of course our friends here in Burma.  The transitional government was headed up by a dude named Aung San [this is an important dude: note his name] who was leader of the army and a great national hero who was poised to lead his country into a new democratic age, when he was assassinated by political rivals/soon-to-be-dick-tators in late 1947. The wimpy government that assumed control only lasted about 15 years before an outright dick-tator named General Ne Win chucked them out in 1962, starting a 26-year rule of bullshit.

Original 'dick'-tator of Burma, Ne WinAnd I do mean bullshit. This asshole actually ordered the bombing of his own country’s universities man!  Under Ne Win’s reign, there were many crackdowns in which civilians and college students were terrorized and slaughtered. One of particular note was the ‘U Thant Uprising’ which occurred in 1974.

U Thant was a beloved Burmese academic who became the Secretary General of the UN. The Who the hell are U? , Oh, its U Thant!!!freakin’ UN man! But he was despised by the military junta back home, basically because they were jealous little bitches.  When U died and his body was sent back to Burma to be buried, the dick-tators refused to give him any honors, and were just going to dump his body in an unmarked grave.  A group of students actually stole the damn guys coffin, and set up a make-shift mausoleum on Rangoon University. The generals sent in the army to kill as many students as possible and take back the body.  Riots erupted in the streets at this action, so the dick-tators had to slaughter a bunch more folks to squash the uprisings. What a bunch of dics!

It would take a whole book to tell you about all the horrific shit these assholes have done, but I just want you to know one more reference in order to understand the events that are unfolding today….and that’s the ‘8888 Uprising.’ Yes my brothers and sista’s that’s right: its called the 8888, which makes it awfully easy to remember.  It stands for the events of August 8th, 1988 and it should make you pause to wonder why the West hasn’t invaded this damn country yet….

In a nutshell, by 1988 the mismanagement and political oppression brought to Burma by the dick-tators had taken its toll: Burma was one of the poorest most backwards nations on the planet. General Ne sucked so bad that even he had lost internal support and announced his retirement.  A peaceful pro-democracy movement quickly spread through the country, and people took to the streets to demand a voice in their government.  What they got instead was the living shit kicked out of them…

By 8-8-88, the movement erupted full-scale in Rangoon. Tens of thousands of students were joined by blue-collar workers, and families and even monks in the demonstrations. The Ne Win government fully collapsed, but was quickly replaced by the next dick-tator, General Saw Maung. Like father, like daughter….Gen. ‘Buzz-Saw’ Saw declared martial law and proceeded to cut down thousands and thousands of unarmed men, women and children and even monks in a hail of bullets from the military. What an asshole! [Go rent the movie Beyond Rangoon for a decent depiction of these events.] But enter a new figure: Aung San Suu Kyi.  Recognize the name? You should! She is the daughter of the most admirable Aung San, as mentioned above! And she is a hottie!

Aung San Suu Kyi returns to Burma after living abroad, and is so incensed about the 8888 Uprising, that she starts a campaign to bring democracy to Burma—a mission she is still on to this day! For two years she rallies the masses and organizes the peaceful movement of democratic change, and is extremely successful at it too!

Total freedom-fighting hottie!!What happens next is still a mystery even to me—and I was there man! I was so trying to hook up with Suu Kyi! But I digress… In 1990, the dick-tators for reasons unknown decided to allow an election and promised to allow the country to select the next government.  The elections were held, and SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Aung San Suu Kyi and her democratic party won in a complete freakin’ landslide!  Who the hell knows what the military dick-tators were thinking…I guess they radically over-estimated the “please we want to remain poor and fucked” voter demographic.

In any case, can you guess what happens next? That’s right: the dick-tators refused to recognize the results, arrested Suu Kyi, and went out and shot a bunch more of their own citizens just for good measure.  And Suu Kyi has pretty much been under military house arrest ever since.  And the country has pretty much been screwed ever since.  For her efforts, Suu Kyi won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991, and she has resolutely stayed on her mission for reform ever since. What a trooper! She is a serious fighter for truth, justice, and the democratic way! I get all teary-eyed just thinking about her!

Nice medals you ass!In 1992 the government was taken over by General Than Shwe, and that asshole is still in charge to this day. What a joke. Look at all his nice medals on his chest…I wonder if they get a new medal each time they kill another 1000 Burmese? He certainly didn’t win any of those cracker-jack prizes in a real military campaign, because no one in Burma has ever been in one. They have to be the only army in history whose ‘battle’ victories have all been won against unarmed people. Geez what a bunch of ass nuggets…

But to finish up this rant, know this: what comes around goes around.  And it looks like Burma is heading for another round.  As witnessed this week, after the government raised fuel prices, grassroots political protests are starting to get hot…and they are growing fast.  The initial protest may be over fuel, but just as in 8888, protest for real change is lying just under the surface.  And just like in 8888, the government has promised to brutally beat the shit out of its own people to keep them in their place.  But this time everyone is watching!  APEC and ASEAN are two different economic groups which have been putting the heat on the generals to behave, and you Americans should be particularly proud to note that your country has had a trade embargo against this asshole government for years in order to effect some political change.  Too bad the wussy Europeans and indifferent Chinese have not had the same hard -line as the US…which is why the junta has been able to survive and flourish for so long.  But if another 8888 occurs, even the Chinese may start to get antsy about trading with Burma.

So it looks like a Burmese face-off is in place, and ready to explode at any time.  And time may be running out for the dick-tators, especially if they start slaughtering folks again. But I won’t lie to you: they are bad-asses, and have basically promised a bloodbath, and have even bashed international voices that have been condemning them (i.e. the US).

Send in our boys! It should only take about 2 hours to win this one!Damn those Burmese bastards.  Didn’t the US invade Afghanistan and Iraq partly to spread democracy?  Well….what about Burma then?  They actually already had successful elections! Free Aung San Suu Kyi! Come on America! Do what you do best! Invade this country! De-throne these assholes!! Let freedom ring!!!

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Issue 2: Battle For Burma

Well, the battle for the heart and soul of this country is on, but no one outside Burma seems to be able to do a damn thing about it! Why not?

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