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Presiding President Postures for Potential Prime Minister Position: "Pootie Poot" Putin’s

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Greetings World Watchers! Couldn’t help but fly into Moscow from Venezuela last night to meet up with the world’s toughest head of state to confirm some interesting news about his plausible and entirely possible persistence in playing on the world political stage.  And who has the balls to kick Vladimir Putin off of a stage of any sort? Dudes! Even if Duane ‘The Rock’ Johnson were to throw down against Vlad, I have to say I would still bet heavy on the Ruskie!

And sorry for the corny blog title, but I am returning from a day at the Kremlin with some disturbing news… Apparently, back in 2002, George W Bush gave Vladimir Putin the nickname “Pootie Poot”. No, I’m not joking. Check this out: Bush’s love of Pootie-Poot Putin; Analysis: Bush and Putin on nickname terms

How did I miss that shit? Bush seriously referred to the most badass of world leaders as “Pootie Poot” Putin. Dubya is just begging to have a thermobaric bomb dropped on Crawford, Texas!!! But these stories above are from an already passed era—those cutesy nicknames were coined by Bush (and tolerated by Putin) at a time when these two world leaders were tight.  But those times have passed. It was a whopping five years ago when they were yucking it up together, but the US-Russian relationship has cooled significantly since then, and is possibly bordering on total animosity in today’s world. 

I think if George Dubya were to call Vlad ‘Pootie-Poot’ in today’s political climate, he might well get his jugular ripped out by the icy hand of the Siberian shit-kicker…. A nickname that I think may be more appropriate for the Russian leader.  Of course, I have also given the KGB veteran a more print-friendly nickname too: Vlad “The Man” Putin. Why do I call him “The Man”? I’ll give you a quick list:

1) He’s a former KGB agent. The KGB was the Secret Service in Russia. Sort of like a cross between America‘s CIA and Dr No’s SPECTRE. The KGB didn’t just assassinate political opponents, they did it with flair. One time they killed a Bulgarian dissident/journalist with a poison umbrella gun.  Damn! I remember when the Penguin pulled that shit on Batman!  You can’t make this shit up folks… what a bunch of pranksters! They are also widely believed to be behind the poisoning of the current Ukrainian president, as well as a former KGB spy that dropped dead in the UK last year.  Anyway, the fact that Putin was a power player in the KGB means it is very possible, if not likely, that Putin has killed people with his bare hands. Bare hands/Bear hands! HA! Unintended pun. Putin is a BEAR of a man! The KGB was officially disbanded by Yeltsin, but somehow, lots of former members have found their way into powerful positions within the Russian government.  No joke.  Although I’m sure that’s probably just a coincidence… hmmmm….

2) Putin is a judo black belt. This is all part of the KGB training. Vlad is a serious ass kicker. If the UN was a professional wrestling organization, Putin would be Hulk Hogan. In fact, if the UN ever did turn into a wrestling organization the only imaginable scenario is Putin standing atop the main podium yelling, “I challenge anyone to dethrone me! I am king of the world” and every other world leader cowering in fear. Not even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is crazy enough to challenge Putin’s badassity.

3) Putin has training with small munitions. I think the pictures speak for themselves.
4) All of this aside, Putin is a damn handsome man. You should see the foxy Ruskiettes that hang out at the Kremlin Grotto. All I can say is WOW. He drives the Russian ladies (and gay men the world over) wild with lascivious lust.

Anyway, the real reason I came to Russia was to talk politics. Vlad is serving his second term as Russian President, which ends in March 2008. According to the Russian constitution, a President cannot serve more than two consecutive terms. That means, come March 2008, Putin will no longer be President of Russia. There was some concern in the international community that Putin would not honor the Constitution and would try to remain President for another term. Vlad, however, has been adamant for years that he will abide the law and step down when his term ends.

Vlad is highly popular in Russia and has presided over a period of Russian resurgence. (By most conservative estimates, he has approval ratings of 80% and up.) Many Russians would be happy to change the Constitution to allow for another term for “The Man”. However, the USA and EU would both likely flip shit about “dictator”-this and “autocrat”-that. To the West, this would be a move away from democracy (even though there is little doubt that Putin would win a “free and fair” election)–and you know how much the West likes democracy! So, it seems like Putin has come up with Vlad-tastic solution to this dilemma. Check this out:

Putin Says He Will Run for Parliament

Putin’s Plan to Stay in Power

The nonstop thrill ride of Russian politics 

Basically, a couple of weeks ago, Putin fired the old Prime Minister and replaced him with a no-name nobody named Viktor Zubkov. Literally. No one had ever heard of the dude. The only thing Zubkov has going for him is complete loyalty to Vlad. It would be like George Bush nominating his personal lawyer, Harriet Myers, to the Supreme Court just because she was loyal to him… Oops… I guess that did happen. But I digress…

Anyway, in Russian politics, the position of Prime Minister has been a spring board to the Presidency. By appointing Zubkov to be Prime Minister, Putin has made Zubkov the de facto favorite to be the next President. Why would Vlad appoint a no-name to be President? Does he want to pull strings from behind the curtain?

Actually, it turns out that Putin wants to pull strings from IN FRONT of the curtain. Putin announced that he will be running for Parliament. As the leader of his party (United Russia), which is the most popular party in Russia, he will almost certainly be elected to Parliament and then selected as Prime Minister. But, isn’t Prime Minister a suckier job than President? Maybe…maybe not. If the President of Russia is politically weak–which looks like it will be the case (does anyone even remember that guys name? Rubadub-Zub? Zuberanski? Shit, who cares..) then the Prime Minister could start to increase his power. This would especially be the case if the President wanted the Prime Minister to be powerful. The current situation is that the President makes decisions and the Prime Minister rubber stamps them. Very easily, next year it could be the exact opposite. Vlad “The Prime Minister Man” Putin could be the decision maker and President Rubadub-Zub could be the rubber stamper. Ha! There I go again!

So, this brings me to the FINAL REASON Vlad is “The Man”:

5) The man is more powerful than his position. Imagine if Bushie Bush ran for congress in 2008 and became Speaker of the House–and from that position, he was able to control the US government. You can’t imagine that. It’s too freakin’ crazy! In America, the President is powerful–and I mean the position of President, not just whichever child-of-privilege who gets to sit in the White House. The institutional power is not as established in Moscow. In Russia, Vlad is powerful. The man himself has the power.  It just so happens he is currently President. He would still be powerful as Prime Minister, or as Advisor, or even as Commissioner of the Russian Judo Federation (RJF). And that is why Vlad is “The Man”.

And, damn, he mixes one mean vodka martini…but perhaps I’m disclosing too much….

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