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Mohamed ElBaradei: Call him ‘Cool Hand Nuke’

• Middle East
• World
• European Eurasia

Whew! Finally thawing out from my weekend Arctic adventures, and what better place to do it than a coffee house here in Vienna,  Austria. Hell, these people invented the coffee house! Mmmmm….soaking up the warmth of a good cup of joe spiked with Zirbenz…my favorite Alpine liqueur.  Ahhh…inhaling the heady smoke of a dark bean roast whilst having my shoulders massaged by a sweet little fraulein…oops, where was I? Oh yes! Vienna! What brings the Avenger here, you ask? Well, I had to come down to chill at IAEA headquarters and party with my favorite Austrian Egyptian, Mohamed ElBaradei, who once again finds himself in hot water. Ha! How fitting! Hot water in a coffee house…oh my, sometimes I am too damn good! To the facts:

France ups ante in war of words with Iran over nuke issue

France seeks new set of sanctions on Iran

Europeans Tone Down War Rhetoric in Iran Nuclear Stand-Off

Western talk of Iran war premature “hype”: IAEA head

ElBaradei at center of standoff over Iran’s nuclear program

So before we get to this Elbaradei cat and why he’s so damn important, let’s browse over the headlines.  In a nutshell, Iran has been developing its nuclear program at a rapid pace. Iran has claimed from the get go that their program is all about nuclear energy production, and no more.  In their defense, Iran is a signatory of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT): a treaty which prohibits the spread of nuke weapons, encourages disarmament of states with nuke weapons, and allows for the development of nuke energy.  So far, Iran has been a lawful abider of this treaty, having broken none of its rules.  Sorry! I know a lot of folks don’t want to hear that.  I’m not defending them…it’s just the way it is.

However, the US and ‘the West’ don’t like and don’t trust Iran, so they believe the Iranians are really after development of nuclear weapons. In their defense, they could be right. That Iranian regime is far from anything you would call stable and sensible.  But given the US/the West’s involvement in all the countries surrounding Iran (Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan), I can see why they might crave the security blanket that a nuke bomb might provide them.  This is just plaid conjecture of course, but I can understand why they might want one. Can’t you? Hell, if I lived anywhere near the Middle East, I’d want as much ammunition as I could get.  Shit, I’d park a scud missile in my garage….but I digress as usual…

So Iran wants a nuke program, ‘the West’ does not want that to happen, and the issue has been heating up here lately…as if the Middle East needed more heat? The US and the EU have been bringing the heat by calling for strict sanctions against the country in order to force them to give up the nuke stuff.  And this week’s heat has been coming from quite the unexpected source: the French! Ever since Nick Sarkozy took over as President of France (see: Sarkozy the Shit-Kicker), those guys have seemingly grown some escargot balls of steel overnight. The Frenchies have been insistent that all steps will be taken to ensure that Iran will never have a nuke program…including the possibility of war!

What a bizarre turn of events for the French: they are never the instigators of war….they usually just surrender when the war breaks out. Damn! You know you must be pissing people off if the French want to fight you! Shit! Hitler couldn’t even pull that one off! I just can’t help but think that the US is finding all this terribly amusing: the Frenchies are being more bad-ass than the Bush-ies! How sweet would that be though: the US sending in ‘the boys in berets’ as its first assault wave? Ha! Yep, this situation continues to get hotter and hotter as the weeks pass….but there is a splash of cold water to all of this rhetoric…and that cool water’s name is Mohamed ElBaradei. I refer to him as ‘Cool Hand Nuke’, and he is the real point of today’s blog. 

You’ve got to know this dude, because his opinion, and his voice, will be seriously affecting how shit gets played out on our planet in the coming years. Big time.  So who is he? Mohamed ElBaradei is an Egyptian diplomat and Director General of the IAEA….aka the International Atomic Energy Agency, a sub-organization of the UN. And an important one at that.  The IAEA’s basic mission is to promote the peaceful use of nuke technology for energy purposes while simultaneously limiting nuke technology for weapons purposes. They are often referred to as “the UN’s Nuclear Watchdog”. These are the guys who do inspections on facilities the world over to ensure that the IAEA and the NPT’s aims are being met. 

As the head of the IAEA, ElBaradei has the daunting task of compiling all the investigative clues and deciding if a country is breaching the NPT by trying to create nuke weapons. And this is a shitty job. Why? Look at the headlines again from above. Because there is so much political drama between countries, ElBaradei and his crew are constantly harassed from all sides when they make any decision or recommendation. No matter what the IAEA decides, its sure to piss someone off. 

Want an example? Sure, here’s one you’ll remember: In the lead up to the current US/Iraq War, the US hounded the shit out of the IAEA to declare that Iraq had weapons. The IAEA went into Iraq to inspect, which pissed off the Iraqis. The IAEA couldn’t find enough evidence to support the claim of a nuke program, and ElBaradei made those facts public, which pissed the shit out of the US.  As the story has unfolded after the US invasion, it turns out that ElBaradei was right, which pissed the US even more.  In fact, the US was so pissed that it tried to block ElBaradei from being appointed to his third term in office.  It was hilarious! The US tried to get their buddy Australia to put up a candidate to defeat Mohamed, but he is just to popular and even the Aussies wouldn’t do it! Ha! It’s just like high school man!

Long story short: know your ElBaradei.  He is a level-headed dude who has been striving for peaceful resolution to world nuke issues for over a decade. He is routinely berated by the US and ‘the West’ who think he is too soft on Middle Eastern countries that they want to invade. He looks for facts, not speculation. He is a quiet, reserved man who doesn’t go to award dinners, doesn’t jet-set, doesn’t hang out with world leaders, and doesn’t play politics.  He is a calm in the storm that is international politics: the mere fact that he pissed off nearly everyone is a good indicator that he is doing something right! As referenced in the story above, he put the smack-down on France for their hot-headed words concerning a strike against Iran by basically saying: France, chill out with ‘the hype.’ Quote: “I ask everyone to hold their horses until we do the process,” Ha! Hold your horses Frenchies!

Don’t mess with Mohamed my friends! This dude won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2005 (jointly with the IAEA), and he donated his winnings to set up orphanages in Egypt. He is the bomb! Oops…no pun intended.  For all of this, and more, I call him Cool Hand Nuke.  Hell, this dude may end up preventing a damn war or two, so be sure you know who he is, and what he is up to. His opinions can make or break a nuke program, a country, or a war effort. Seriously. If ElBaradei decides that Iran is breaching the rules, than one word from him can easily incite an invasion from the West.

As for me…its about time to hit the slopes.  Where are my plaid ski pants?….

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So long, Santa!!! Russia’s Reasons for Arctic Antics

• World
• European Eurasia

Top of the morning to you my plaid friends, from the top of the globe!  The Avenger has touched down here at the North Pole to update you on a situation that has massive repercussions in the immediate, and long term, future of international relations.  I just put the sled dogs down to rest (no, not Michael Vick-style; they are actually sleeping!), and I’m topping of my vodka martini here at the top of the planet while my manservant builds us an igloo to bed down in.  Actually, she’s a fine Inuit lady, so I suppose the proper terminology is wo-manservant.  But I digress as always. 

Why would the Avenger be so far north setting up camp on the rapidly diminishing permanent ice cap? Why to inform you of big changes that are afoot of course! Big changes for the Arctic inhabitants; big changes for the US; big changes for the Canadians, the Norwegians, and the Danes…hell, its big changes for the world man! But this rant is primarily about big changes for the Russians….Chill on these:

A new race for the North Pole: Russia plants flag, Canada sends troops

Race to Secure Arctic Riches Heats Up

Lenin stands tall in Russian race for the Arctic

Arctic ice retreats to new low, possibly opening Northwest Passage

Russia might introduce new oil export routes in Arctic***IMPORTANT***

Russia’s Arctic Firing Range

So unless you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few years, all of you have heard about this global warming thing.  Yes, average global temperatures do seem to be on the rise. Now this blog is not about confirming or disputing the existence if this phenomenon, or about the science behind this phenomenon, or even about the causes of this phenomenon…what the Plaid Avenger wants you to know about for now are the very real, and unfolding quickly, international repercussions of this phenomenon around the Arctic Circle.  Have I said phenomenon enough times for you yet? Its just such a phenomenal word, I can’t help myself. Phenomena are phenomenal! Ha!  Oops, sorry for the transgression.  I always get a bit light headed while heavily drinking at high latitudes….and I’m dead on at 90° North my friends.  But back to the warming…

Now no one really knows what the hell these rising global temperatures will mean across the planet. Some places will get warmer, some will probably get drier, some will get wetter, & different weather patterns and different storm patterns will evolve.  Lots of shit will be changing in lots of different places.  But one thing is for absolute sure, because it’s happening fast already: parts of the permanent ice cap that have covered the Arctic region for as long as humans have been around are going to go away. And it’s going to go away very soon. Like maybe totally gone in the next 50 years.  That is big news. Big news that has bigger repercussions for international politics. And maybe the biggest repercussions are for Russia.  What am I talking about? Just this:

As the permanent ice cover rapidly melts away in the coming decades, two distinct things are going to happen: 1)untold amounts of natural resources like oil and natural gas are going to be discovered in the area, and 2) global transportation patterns are going to be radically affected.  The resources issue is the one that everyone and their brother is focusing on right now…and is being wildly overplayed in the press. The transportation issue is the one that is vastly more important and has way more strategic importance than a bunch of damn oil ever will.  And Russia stands to gain tremendously from both of these things, perhaps the most of any player in this Arctic power play.  The Bear’s potential gains are affecting their current Arctic antics, as we discussed in yesterday’s blog. But let’s back up and take these issues one at a time:

1)The natural resources thing: this is the easy part. According to the US Geological Survey, perhaps up to 25% of the world’s undiscovered oil and gas is thought to lie under the Arctic seabed. Why is it undiscovered? Because there’s too much damned ice in the way to get to it right now! So the basic equation for the future is: Goodbye ice; Hello oil!

Can you dig that? Speaking of dig, a bunch of countries will be digging for this oil as soon as they can.  Who are the lucky contestants for the Arctic Resource Rush? Five countries border the Arctic Ocean: Canada, Denmark, Norway, Russia and the US.  The UN ‘Law of the Sea’ (which all countries agree and adhere  to) allows governments an exclusive economic zone of up to 200 nautical miles from their shores in which all the shit in it is theirs. But if you want more than that, then each country has to make a case that land further out is geologically/scientifically connected to their continental shelf, which is the underwater land that slopes down from the countries’ coasts. If a country can prove such a claim, then they get title to all the shit in that zone as well.  And of course the shit we are talking about here is not walrus shit….its energy resources man! Big business!

And that is precisely what is currently happening in the Arctic. It’s why Russia sent a submarine to plant their flag underneath the North Pole and to collect geologic samples. They are trying to prove a claim to a vast area of the Arctic Ocean that may have oil and shit in it.  See map. And they are not alone either. Canada and Denmark have been sending up crews as well to scope things out. (FYI: Denmark is involved because they ‘own’ Greenland, which gives them some serious Arctic shoreline too.) Not to be outdone, the US has pretty much preemptively declared the whole fucking Arctic as belonging to them. Ha! Well, why not? They’ve had so much success with their other preemptive actions around the globe! Ouch! That stings!

So the scramble for the Arctic is on, prompted by the allure of riches.  Kind of like the ‘Gold Rush’ was to California. Countries are laying claims, and governments will be squabbling with each other at the UN, and all kinds of research and military maneuvers are soon to be conducted up at the top of the world. Whoops. Did I say military maneuvers? Damn I’m good.  ‘Cause the Russians have already started that too. But let’s get to the number 2 issue before we bump back into the Russian military…

2)The changes to global transportation thing: This is the real deal. Now, vast oil reserves may be discovered in the Arctic, and some countries may get rich with it, and those resources may affect lots of aspects of our world, please keep this in mind: loss of Arctic ice WILL change the world radically. And it WILL happen. So what’s going to happen Plaid?

Shipping routes are going to be radically altered. Check out a globe sometime. A real globe…you know, those basketball shaped things with the continents on them.  Seriously, get one. See if you can figure out the shortest route from California to England.  How about from China to Florida. How about from Italy to Japan. Are you getting the picture? All those trips are significantly shorter going through the Arctic Ocean—but not yet! We have to wait for the ice to melt first.  When it does, the pattern of international shipping will be transformed immensely.  Please keep in mind that 99% of all the goods you will ever buy were transported to your country via a ship. If there were to be a worldwide freeze on international ocean shipping, your Wal-mart shelves would be completely empty within a week! How do you think they get all that cheap shit from China to your hometown, and still keep it so cheap? Oceanic shipping is big business.  But that’s just the start…

There are also vast areas of the planet that are pretty much ‘disconnected’ from the global economy because they are completely land-locked (no ocean access) or because their physical geography makes it too costly to transport goods (i.e. it costs too much to transport stuff over mountains or over extremely long distance on land.) Need some examples of such places? Look no further than Canada and Russia: currently vast, cold as shit lands with few people and fewer economic opportunities. Think Siberia.  But wait! Global warming to the rescue! As these areas warm up and thaw out, all kinds of shit is going to change. We’ll beat down the Canadians in a different forum, but to finish this blog, let’s just consider Russia.  Look at this map below:

Which way do all the Russian rivers flow? If you said ‘north’: nice job! You can read! But seriously, consider this: all of those rivers flowing north to the ice-locked Arctic Ocean have served to seriously hamper the Russian economy for centuries. Those rivers are useless for economic transport. That northern coastline is useless for port towns, and double useless to establish a serious naval power. Result: the vast innards of Russia are inaccessible, and Russia has never established itself as a premier naval power or economic exporter.

And now: WHAM! Goodbye ice, Hello New Russia! This shit is going to blow up man! With the warming of temperatures and the elimination of Arctic ice cover, all of Russia‘s rivers may become navigable, therefore opening the interior of the Asian continent as it has never been before.  More open and accessible than any time in all of human history! Look for movements of people, creations of towns and cities, and a whole new economic outlook for Siberia as well as those Central Asian countries which will suddenly have a lot more global trade access. It is crazy! The same will be true for Canada, but the Russian experience will be exponentially bigger.

And now I can finish this rant by tying into the story we started yesterday…remember? I told you there were 3 reasons that the Russians were ramping their military back up.  And here it is: #3 the Russians are becoming a lot more militarily active, specifically in the Arctic, in preparation to ‘claim’ this vast area as part of their strategic territory.  Dudes! Am I good or what? Seriously, look at what those rascally Ruskies have been doing: sending subs into Arctic territory, planting flags in Arctic territory, but most importantly, re-starting their bomber patrols in Arctic territory. Oh shit, I almost forgot, they just did this too:

Russian bombers to fire cruise missiles over Arctic

Damn! Firing practice missiles too! They certainly are busy up there.  The Plaid Avenger is convinced that the Russian’s primary pursuit in their Arctic pursuits is to establish an ‘Arctic presence’ which will turn into an ‘Arctic occupation’.  Hell, if you are there, and no one else is there, and you know no one has legitimate title to the land…then don’t you pretty much own it? That is, until someone comes and physically kicks you off of it.  And who the hell is going to start a damn land war with the Ruskies on a godforsaken chunk of ice out in the middle of nowhere? Answer: not many, if any!  It’s kind of like the moon: we can have a million and one diplomatic treaties concerning who owns the moon, but whoever is actually up there sitting on it (in their moon base) effectively can do anything they want. Right?

Possession is 9/10^ths of the law—meaning that if you have it in your hands, or effectively control it, than it’s pretty much yours.  Can you dig that? The Ruskies sure do!  Dudes! They probably are as giddy as a pack of school girls on a Sunday picnic about this whole global warming thing! They will finally have shit-tons of navigable coastlines. They will finally get to become a serious naval power, especially since they have so much extra cash laying around that they’ve made off of oil sales. They will finally be able to easily access virtually all parts of their most inhospitable country. Finally!

Oh…I mean after the ice melts of course.

My apologies on the long rant, but it appears that my Inuit wo-manservant Ieshiatia has finished the igloo and has mixed me a piping Hot Toddy.  I must get in there and attend to my Arctic business! It really is the only way to stay warm up here….

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Bombs, Bombers, and Bad-Asses: the Bear is Back!

• World
• European Eurasia

Salutations from Siberia my stylish plaid associates! The Plaid Avenger has headed due north out of Pakistan in the plaid jet after partying with my main man Musharraf, and am now in the vast arctic outback of central Russia on a dual mission… Duel mission? You think I am here to challenge Vladimir Putin in full-on, frontal fisticuffs? Oh, hell no! As you well know, no one should challenge that whack world leader one-on-one! He is a total bad ass!  And he’s got the guns to back up his words.  And now he’s got the bombs too…the ‘daddy of all bombs’ to be exact. I saw the be-yatch light up, and it was a doozie!

So I’m not here for a duel mission but for a dual mission, meaning I have two tasks to report on before I leave the frigid follies of this forsaken terra firma.  However, both timely topics are tied to each other…they are the repercussions of Russia’s recovered military might! Read this:

Russia tests ‘dad of all bombs’

Russia tests world’s most powerful vacuum bomb

Russia revives Soviet-era strategic bomber patrols

Russia resumes long-range air patrols

Old Russian strategic bombers continue to make news

Russian air patrols ‘a show of might’

Fears over Russian economic power

What the hell? Papa bombs and bomber patrols? What gives with all this stuff? I’m glad you asked my friends, so that now you can become smarter than the average bear…hmmmm….that is a great choice of words since we are dealing with the biggest baddest bear on the planet: the Russian Bear. And the Bear is back my friends, and with a brazen bear attitude!  But I get ahead of myself as always…let’s go back a bit…

The Bear has taken a bad beating in the last several decades. A beating so brutal that it was questionable if the Russians would ever bounce back from it. I am referring to the Soviet Era and the Cold War of course; a period which ended in total disaster and disarray for the Russians a mere 15 years ago when their whole political system and way of life completely collapsed. Read the textbook for details, but know this for now: by 1992 the USSR had crumbled into nothingness, the Russians had lost tons of territory, tons of resources, tons of people, and their economy totally sucked ass…but perhaps worst of all, they had lost the Cold War and lost their ‘super-power’ status. 

Dudes, these guys were totally in the toilet economically, socially, militarily, ideologically and they had no political clout whatsoever in the world.  Damn! That sounds harsh.  Well, its true, and the Russians knew it.  Its important to understand how screwed the place was in the early 1990’s, because it will help you make sense of the current upswing in national pride that is happening today, and how that nationalistic pride is manifesting itself into things which are affecting the entire globe.

So from Bear pain to Bear pride in the last decade.  How? No details needed here, just two words: Putin and petroleum.  Vlad ‘the man’ Putin is a extremely popular dude who has led this Russian turn-around. He is a stoic yet charismatic leader that has made it his mission to put Russia back on the map, and he has been done one hell of a bang-up job doing just that for almost 8 years now. He is viewed as physically strong, intelligent, savvy, tough on crime, an ardent nationalist, and a leader that is independent and confident enough to stand up to ‘the West’ and fight for the Russian right to party! Yes, he is the ‘Super-Russian’! Well, that’s what the Ruskies think anyway.  And how has he accomplished this super-fame and fortune? That would be due to the other P….the petroleum.

Russia has vast reserves of petroleum and natural gas, and under Putin’s leadership has made mega-bucks exporting it to Europe, to China, and all points abroad.  Controlling these energy resources has helped Russia regain its footing as a world player in terms of political clout (i.e. most European countries are scared shitless to piss off Russia in any way, since the Bear provides so much of their energy needs), and of course all the bucks they make on sales has revived their economy. And I do mean mega-bucks. Enough bucks to get Russia out of debt. Enough bucks to store away for a rainy day. Enough bucks to revamp their economy. Enough bucks to revamp their military….oops! Let’s stop right there! That brings us back to our news stories!

At this point you should be connecting all the dots on your own…but since no major news organizations can seem to do it, I’ll elaborate more for their sake.  Russia has ‘been flexing its muscles’ as reported by most places, with many folks incorrectly assuming that this is a return to some sort of ‘Cold War’ mentality. The idea that Russia wants to return to the heyday of global confrontation and challenge the US to a nuke war seems preposterous to the Plaid, and is quite frankly a joke.  Russia may be doing a lot better, but they still have plenty of problems on their plate to keep them busy for a while.  So why the re-vamping of their military, the re-starting of the old Cold War bomber patrols, and the re-volutionary development of the biggest freakin’ bomb ever?

First and foremost: national pride. That’s an easy call. Again, consider where Russia was just ten years ago: a broke, down and out, former world power that no one gave a shit about.  Now that they have some jack to spend, what would possibly be a more natural avenue to regain your past glory than to beef up your military? All countries do it man! Hell, the US spends a mega-ton-shitload on military stuff ever year! Shit-fire, we put a damn human on the moon just to compete with the Ruskies! Military stuff is not just a base of power, but it’s also a base of pride for many folks the world over. Okay, except the Swiss…always the damned Swiss have to be an exception…but I digress.  Just know this: Russians are regaining their nationalistic pride with their strong leader making a militarily strong Russia. 

Hell, the Russians have always loved that military shit. (They have been, and still are, a major weapons dealer to the world.)  The only reason that they stopped expanding their military technologies and capacities in the first place was because they were totally freakin’ broke man! Now, they are not broke. And now, they are catching their military back up. Is that really a surprise to anyone? Does that really constitute a specific threat to anyone? I don’t think so….yet.

The second reason that the Russians are so keenly revamping their military is indeed strategic: they want to regain influence over their immediate neighbors, and appear strong enough to thwart any external invasion or internal dissent. Remember, as the center of the USSR, Russia had power over what is now Central Asia, the Caucus region, and Eastern Europe. Russia lost all that influence after the USSR collapsed, and worse yet, many of those countries have become NATO members…a move that the Bear has interpreted as ‘the West’ encroaching into their territory.

One need only consider a country like Estonia: a state with a direct border with Russia that once was a soviet satellite, and now is a NATO member…which means it is a country that used to have Russian missiles in it pointed at Europe, and now has NATO missiles in it pointing at Russia. Hmmm….can you start to see why Russia is ‘beefing up’ to discourage NATO growth? Personally, I don’t think NATO and ‘the West’ is any threat to Russia, but some of those Ruskies think otherwise. Or at least they just want to pretend to feel threatened so that they can project their power outwards again. Either way, same result. It should also be noted that Russia has been cozying up with China and the Central Asian states lately in an effort to form a ‘counter-weight’ to US/‘the West’ power on the planet. Look up the blog on the SCO if you are interested in more on the topic. But let’s finish this rant for now with one last thought…

And that last thought is a third–and by far the most interesting–reason behind the increase in military maneuvers by the Russians….and it’s one that only the Plaid Avenger will tell you about, because most haven’t figured it out yet.  But for that, I have to get on my plaid parka, feed the sled dogs, and prepare to head much further north. And you will have to tune in tomorrow to find out…

Mush! Mush bitches! Mush!

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The Sharif is BACK in PAK! Wait a second, where did he go?…

• World
• South Asia & Central Asia

Hello Plaid People! The Avenger here, having just escaped Burma after pissing on a statue of General Than Shwe. Only wish I had done it on the dude in person.  Now I’m in Pakistan to meet up with the former Prime Minister. No, it’s not a Bhutto call… I flew back because I heard the news that Nawaz Sharif was returning to Pakistan.  Check this out:
Former prime minister arrested upon arrival in Pakistan
Sharif in Saudi Arabia after Pakistan expulsion
On Flight to Pakistan, Sharif Sounded Defiant Note
A strongarm tactic that only exposes his weakness

Sharif was the prime minister of Pakistan–that is, until he overthrown, imprisoned, and eventually deported 8 years ago by General/President Musharraf. Sharif has been living abroad for the past seven years or so. Recently, he–like fellow exile Benazir Bhutto–has been positioning to get back into Pakistani Politics. Both Bhutto and Sharif sense that the General is losing power and popular support. And both are keen to take his place.

Last month, the Pakistani Supreme Court ruled that Sharif could return to Pakistan. This did not sit well with the General, who is already facing some serious dilemmas. First, Musharraf is facing external pressure from the West to (A) retire from the Military and (B) hold free and fair elections. Mush is also starting to catch shit at home because of his increased cooperation with America on anti-terrorism campaigns (for more info, see the Aug 29 blog post). Boy it is hard being the general these days… So the last thing Mush wants is some peppy political rival flying into Islamabad and creating a ruckus!

Anyway, so why the hell would I leave my true love Aung San Suu Kyi in the lurch to come see
Sharif? Because I was expecting an ASS KICKING! I figured the Mush-man would go personally to the airport and challenge Nawaz “The Sheriff” Sharif to one of those crazy Michael Jackson knife fights. Shit if I was going to miss that!

But alas, the General decided to fight Sharif politically and not physically, by arresting and RE-DEPORTING him. That’s right folks… Sharif was only in Islamabad for 4 hours… and he never left the airport! What a shitty trip! This also brings up one of the biggest questions amongst global travelers: does it count as going to a country if you never leave the airport? The Plaid answer is no. In fact, in my book you’ve only really “been” to a country if you have drank a local drink and loved a local woman, but I digress as always…

Anyway, So this airport stunt is sort of a big deal, because the Supreme Court said that Sharif could return, but the Executive-and-General said “get the fuck out”. By doing this, Musharraf is flagrantly ignoring an order that he–as President–is by law suppose to obey. Not such a good sign for Pakistan‘s democracy…

Or maybe it is. Maybe the population will not tolerate this breach of the law and will stand up. There are definitely a lot of pissed off Sharif supporters. Who knows! The moral of the story is to
keep watching Pakistan–shit is starting to get unstable.

Also, a funny note, here’s what the US Government had to say about the whole matter: In Washington, a White House spokesman described the deportation as an “internal matter” but noted that upcoming elections should be “free and fair.” Ummmm… yeah…right.  What a bunch of goobers… Why would the US go out on a limb for a guy who is obviously NOT a great example of democracy at work? Because Mush the Man is their biggest and best-est ally in the ‘War on Terror’ man! You know this! The US will defend Mush to the end.

Plaid Avenger final analysis: Mush the Man is not going to deal with any competition from Sharif–the guy he kicked out. My money is still on Mush teaming up with Bhutto–and what a coincidence: she is still planning to come back, but has been much more patient about the terms under which she will do it. I think we are soon to see a Mush match made in heaven….because by allowing Bhutto to come in as the Prime Minister, and by simultaneously renouncing his army leadership role, Mush can still pull off staying in power as President and overseeing the transition back to democracy…in his own terms. He really is running out of options, so its a safe plaid bet.

We shall soon see if the Mush/Bhutto love connection bears fruit, but one thing is for sure: Sharif has been ‘stood up’ on the Paki prime minister prom night. Sorry dude! Go have some of the spiked punch and try to get a date for next year. And as always:

Party on! In plaid of course.

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Junta Jackasses Man-handling Monks? Shit, Someone Please Invade this State!!!

• World
• East Asia-Pacific

Greetings from Burma my plaid friends! The place was renamed Myanmar by the  military dictator assholes who are currently crushing the country under an iron fist, so in the name of freedom, please always refer to this state as Burma: it’s first, true, and free name! But I get ahead of myself in this story, because quite frankly it pisses me off so much that it gets my panties in a bunch in a hot shit hurry!  I just covertly slid my plaid hydrofoil craft onto the beaches of Burma outside of Rangoon.  Why covertly?  Because the whack leaders of this crazy state have turned this tropical paradise into a full-fledged psychotic hell on earth—and they don’t take kindly to strangers…especially those that are dedicated fighters for freedom! The Plaid Avenger will strike this place with a fury that hell hath not known! But first, some news:

Myanmar junta deploys police at monasteries to contain monk protests

Burma junta snarls at West

Burma cracks down on Students group

Myanmar junta accuses top activists of terrorism

Myanmar troubles Apec

So what you can see from the stories above is that Burma is currently entering a state of crisis for the government….but know this my plaid friends: it’s not the first crisis those assholes have encountered! Folks are starting to take to the streets to protest the doubling of fuel prices in the country that happened last week.  And the military dictators in charge are responding as usual: by sending the army and police to arrest, or beat the shit out of, or outright kill the student protestors, regular working class folks, and even Buddhist monks! I’m sorry, but any government that kills college students and monks is just a pack of freakin’ shit-hounds in the Avenger’s eyes! Beating up college co-ed hotties? There is no excuse! Assholes! The lot of them! That’s why I refer to them as military ‘dick’-tators. Dammit! I’m fired up!!! But I digress as usual….back to the story:

The protests erupting across the country over fuel are being brutally suppressed, but you should be aware that what is happening right now is a repeat of past events.  This is not new material.  This pack of dick-tators has crushed, maimed, tortured and killed its citizens for over 45 years….especially the ones that have protested about anything, especially any kind of democratic reform. Hmmmm…perhaps we should back up the cart a little for you to understand this one…

Burma used to be part of the ‘British India’ colonial territorial holdings, which also included modern day India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh.  The Brits gave up claim to these territories on in 1947, and thus began the history of the modern states of India and Pakistan…and of course our friends here in Burma.  The transitional government was headed up by a dude named Aung San [this is an important dude: note his name] who was leader of the army and a great national hero who was poised to lead his country into a new democratic age, when he was assassinated by political rivals/soon-to-be-dick-tators in late 1947. The wimpy government that assumed control only lasted about 15 years before an outright dick-tator named General Ne Win chucked them out in 1962, starting a 26-year rule of bullshit.

And I do mean bullshit. This asshole actually ordered the bombing of his own country’s universities man!  Under Ne Win’s reign, there were many crackdowns in which civilians and college students were terrorized and slaughtered. One of particular note was the ‘U Thant Uprising’ which occurred in 1974.

U Thant was a beloved Burmese academic who became the Secretary General of the UN. The freakin’ UN man! But he was despised by the military junta back home, basically because they were jealous little bitches.  When U died and his body was sent back to Burma to be buried, the dick-tators refused to give him any honors, and were just going to dump his body in an unmarked grave.  A group of students actually stole the damn guys coffin, and set up a make-shift mausoleum on Rangoon University. The generals sent in the army to kill as many students as possible and take back the body.  Riots erupted in the streets at this action, so the dick-tators had to slaughter a bunch more folks to squash the uprisings. What a bunch of dics!

It would take a whole book to tell you about all the horrific shit these assholes have done, but I just want you to know one more reference in order to understand the events that are unfolding today….and that’s the ‘8888 Uprising.’ Yes my brothers and sista’s that’s right: its called the 8888, which makes it awfully easy to remember.  It stands for the events of August 8^th, 1988 and it should make you pause to wonder why the West hasn’t invaded this damn country yet….

In a nutshell, by 1988 the mismanagement and political oppression brought to Burma by the dick-tators had taken its toll: Burma was one of the poorest most backwards nations on the planet. General Ne sucked so bad that even he had lost internal support and announced his retirement.  A peaceful pro-democracy movement quickly spread through the country, and people took to the streets to demand a voice in their government.  What they got instead was the living shit kicked out of them…

By 8-8-88, the movement erupted full-scale in Rangoon. Tens of thousands of students were joined by blue-collar workers, and families and even monks in the demonstrations. The Ne Win government fully collapsed, but was quickly replaced by the next dick-tator, General Saw Maung. Gen. ‘Buzz-Saw’ Saw declared martial law and proceeded to cut down thousands and thousands of unarmed men, women and children and even monks in a hail of bullets from the military. What an asshole! [Go rent the movie Beyond Rangoon for a decent depiction of these events.] But enter a new figure: Aung San Suu Kyi.  Recognize the name? You should! She is the daughter of the most admirable Aung San, as mentioned above! And she is a hottie!

Aung San Suu Kyi returns to Burma after living abroad, and is so incensed about the 8888 Uprising, that she starts a campaign to bring democracy to Burma—a mission she is still on to this day! For two years she rallies the masses and organizes the peaceful movement of democratic change, and is extremely successful at it too!

What happens next is still a mystery even to me—and I was there man! I was so trying to hook up with Suu Kyi! But I digress… In 1990, the dick-tators for reasons unknown decided to allow an election and promised to allow the country to select the next government.  The elections were held, and SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Aung San Suu Kyi and her democratic party won in a complete freakin’ landslide!  Who the hell knows what the military dick-tators were thinking…I guess they radically over-estimated the “please we want to remain poor and fucked” voter demographic.

In any case, can you guess what happens next? That’s right: the dick-tators refused to recognize the results, arrested Suu Kyi, and went out and shot a bunch more of their own citizens just for good measure.  And Suu Kyi has pretty much been under military house arrest ever since.  And the country has pretty much been screwed ever since.  For her efforts, Suu Kyi won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991, and she has resolutely stayed on her mission for reform ever since. What a trooper! She is a serious fighter for truth, justice, and the democratic way! I get all teary-eyed just thinking about her!

In 1992 the government was taken over by General Than Shwe, and that asshole is still in charge to this day. What a joke. Look at all his nice medals on his chest…I wonder if they get a new medal each time they kill another 1000 Burmese? He certainly didn’t win any of those cracker-jack prizes in a real military campaign, because no one in Burma has ever been in one. They have to be the only army in history whose ‘battle’ victories have all been won against unarmed people. Geez what a bunch of ass nuggets…

But to finish up this rant, know this: what comes around goes around.  And it looks like Burma is heading for another round.  As witnessed this week, after the government raised fuel prices, grassroots political protests are starting to get hot…and they are growing fast.  The initial protest may be over fuel, but just as in 8888, protest for real change is lying just under the surface.  And just like in 8888, the government has promised to brutally beat the shit out of its own people to keep them in their place.  But this time everyone is watching!  APEC and ASEAN are two different economic groups which have been putting the heat on the generals to behave, and you Americans should be particularly proud to note that your country has had a trade embargo against this asshole government for years in order to effect some political change.  Too bad the wussy Europeans and indifferent Chinese have not had the same hard -line as the US…which is why the junta has been able to survive and flourish for so long.  But if another 8888 occurs, even the Chinese may start to get antsy about trading with Burma.

So it looks like a Burmese face-off is in place, and ready to explode at any time.  And time may be running out for the dick-tators, especially if they start slaughtering folks again. But I won’t lie to you: they are bad-asses, and have basically promised a bloodbath, and have even bashed international voices that have been condemning them (i.e. the US).

Damn those Burmese bastards.  Didn’t the US invade Afghanistan and Iraq partly to spread democracy?  Well….what about Burma then?  They actually already had successful elections! Free Aung San Suu Kyi! Come on America! Do what you do best! Invade this country! De-throne these assholes!! Let freedom ring!!!

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