The World's Plaidiest News Source
2007
Jul
5
Do-gooders? Politicians? Extremists? Rebels? Terrorists? The answer is: All the Above. Depending on who you ask of course. Hello Plaid Friends. My Hamas-inspired hiatus was due to me working deep deep deep undercover in the Gaza Strip helping secure the release of that reporter-dude named Alan Johnston—whose release was secured by the ruling Hamas government. And after the free-hostage-celebration ended (and man, those freed hostages seriously know how to party) I remembered that I am way past due on my blog deadline to describe a little about these Hamas cats and their changing role in Gaza. So read this:
Hamas hopeful after Alan’s release
U.S.: Johnston release will not change world opinion of Hamas
MPs urging engagement with Hamas
SO what the hell is a Hamas? Founded in 1987, Hamas was the Gaza Strip branch of the Islamist Muslim Brotherhood movement founded in Egypt. Hamas is opposed to the existence of Israel (that’s kind of extreme), and the Hamas charter calls for the eventual creation of an Islamic Republic in place of Israel (extreme, part deux). It is best known outside the West Bank and Gaza Strip for its suicide bombings and other attacks directed against civilians and Israeli military and security forces targets. It is just such attacks that have earned it the official label as a ‘terrorist organization’ by the US, the EU, Israel, Canada, the UK, and Australia. So to the US and its staunch lapdogs…um, I mean allies…Hamas is bad, bad, bad oh so fucking bad! And those countries won’t deal with Hamas, talk to Hamas, or even write a letter to Hamas to tell them how much they fucking hate Hamas. Now that is hate my friends!
Unfortunately for ‘the West’ and its allies, Hamas is something else to a lot of Palestinians and Middle Easterners in general. It is a political party in the Palestinian territories, and one that has gained popularity in the last few years. Hamas is the only other real political party option besides Fatah. Fatah is the main political party in Palestine (see Fatah blog tomorrow) and has been the stronghold of Palestinian political power for years. Yassir Arrafat was at the helm for decades, and now Mahmoud Abbas is the current leader of the Fatah party, and these guys have essentially been ‘the voice’ for Palestinians forever. Think of Fatah and Hamas as the Democratic and Republican political parties in the US—except of course that the Republicans don’t have a militant wing of their party that goes out and blows up people and shit….oops…um…my mistake again…bad analogy.
But let’s be real Plaid! They can’t possibly be a real political party! Who the hell would vote for a political party that advocates open violence? Why would anyone in Palestine really want to screw themselves by voting for a terrorist political party? Here’s why: the Fatah movement has increasingly been viewed as ineffective, inefficient, and downright corrupt by a lot of Palestinians. Lots of people are hungry, unemployed, and desperate. Many are interested in a change from the Fatah era, which has accomplished little. On top of that, Hamas actually does a lot of ‘good deeds’ on the ground. They build and staff hospitals and schools and soup kitchens and a host of other do-gooder stuff that folks on the ground see and benefit from. That’s the Hamas social wing. Meanwhile, the Hamas political wing advocates a much more hard-core approach to solving the Palestinian/Israel dispute, but is also viewed as much less corrupt and as a real voice for the people. As such, the Hamas political party has been gaining popularity in the masses, even among those that do not advocate terrorist violence….dammit, that’s what makes them so confusing!…….
A political party or faction, much like any other party or faction worldwide, Hamas contains a shitload of different viewpoints amongst its members—again, not unlike the Republican or Democratic parties in the US. There are folks in Hamas who are staunch advocates of solving the Palestinian issue thru the use of force, while other folks in Hamas seek to use only diplomatic political means to solve the problem…there are also members of Hamas who focus only on the social issues of the Palestinian peoples, and others who are just about the grassroots movement on the street to build hospitals and schools. Are you starting to see the diversity of opinions here?
Dammit I hope so, because that is the only way you can understand their current dilemma. What has happened over the course of the last decade is that the political and social and militant wings of the Hamas party have kind of parted ways on what to do and how to act. There has been no singular front; no singular voice of Hamas that speaks for all. As the social movement in Hamas has struggled to keep up with charitable deeds in an increasingly desperate situation, and the political wing of Hamas has essentially been ignored and shut out of the political process, the militant wing has gained strength within the movement. In other words, as other options have floundered for the party, the militant guys have gained ground thru their deeds and actions—since no one else can seemingly get anything done, or be taken seriously by ‘the West’.
Am I defending them for blowing shit up? Hell no I’m not defending their actions! I’m just trying to explain why the more violent factions within the Hamas party have come to power. Fuck man, they tried the political route—they put up candidates, campaigned for change, got lots of people to vote for them, won the election…and then were politely told to go away and shut the fuck up. Is it some sort of surprise to other world leaders that Hamas has taken a more violent approach to change, since its other options have been totally shut down? Oh wait a minute…I’m assuming western leaders know their asses from a hole in the ground. My mistake again. Let’s move on…
Now you know enough to get to the meat and potatos of the current shit-storm: Since the death of Yasser Arafat, the Fatah movement has lost steam–and the Hamas movement has gained it. Hamas’s political wing had been entering local/state elections and winning a lot of them, mostly in Gaza, but also the West Bank. Infighting between these two political factions has gotten nasty in the last few years, resulting in lots more death and destruction—as if this place needed some more. But now the real shit:
In January 2006, Hamas won a surprise victory in the Palestinian parliamentary elections, taking 76 of the 132 seats in the chamber, while the ruling Fatah party took 43. What’s the big deal about that? Well, in a parliamentary system, the ruling party of parliament gets to pick the Prime Minister, as well as form the ruling government. (The President is elected by a separate popular vote, like in US) That meant that, quite legally, Hamas was in control and would pick the Prime Minister and be in control of the workings of the Palestinian territory. Oops! The Palestinian government was going to be run by a political party labeled as terrorist by Israel and ‘the West’! Oh shit!
When this happened, Israel and all of ‘the West’ refused to recognize any government led by Hamas. They also pulled all funding from the Palestinian government, in effect immediately bankrupting an already impoverished government (Palestine relies heavily on foreign aid to operate). Dammit! I hate when those pesky democracies vote for people we don’t like! Democracy can be such a pain in the ass for ‘the West’ sometimes! Why won’t people around the world elect the leaders WE want them to? Why can’t they understand that WE know what’s best for them? (Can you sense the smart-ass-ness jumping off the page at you here?) What a fucking joke.
Long story short, the Palestinian parliament was Hamas-controlled but since the world was going to shut them out entirely, Mahmoud Abbas (remember, he is a Fatah guy) kept power until some sort of power-sharing deal could be worked out. Well, that was 6 months ago and they never worked the shit out. Hamas got fed up with the process and all hell broke out a few weeks back—Hamas literally, physically and militarily took control of the entire Gaza Strip, their political stronghold from the start. On June 18, 2007, Palestinian President Abbas issued a decree outlawing the Hamas militia and executive force, and two days later called the group “murderous terrorists.” The Hamas forces that were in real control of Gaza just kind of laughed that decree off. Abbas and the rest of the Fatah government were already safely secure in the West Bank when that mostly meaningless decree was made.
So what we have now is Hamas controlling the Gaza part of Palestine, Fatah controlling the West Bank of Palestine, and the possible end of any future singular state of ‘Palestine’ which contains both these geographic entities. Mahmoud Abbas of Fatah is still acting head of the West Bank division of Palestine; upon these Gaza events unfolding, every western power recognized him as the rightful ruler of ‘Palestine’ (whatever the fuck that means now.) As such, all diplomatic channels are back open between Abbas and the US, the EU, Israel and others. All western entities have also promised to give all the previously withheld financial aid to the Abbas governemnt. And only to the Abbas government.
And Hamas? Well, it appears that they may be more fucked than ever. As all western powers are only recognizing their Fatah rivals in the West Bank, their government in Gaza will remain isolated and poor. But they are quickly moving to change their image in order to be accepted as a legitimate government to the eyes of the world. Thus, the stories above allude to the Hamas government helping secure the release of the British reporter. That might help. But then again it might not. ‘The West’ is seemingly in no mood to deal with Hamas at all until they change their stance towards the right of Israel to exist, as well as an official renouncement of the use of suicide bombers and other ‘terrorist’ tactics. Even if Hamas did all that….who knows even then if they would be accepted as a legitimate government in Gaza that the world would talk to and deal with?
I don’t know the answer to that my friends, but I do know a little about how all this will positively affect Fatah, our next topic…
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2007
Jun
25
So what in the living hell has been happening this month in the area referred to as Palestine, and why is it so important to the future of this region? I thought originally that I would start this story with Hamas and Fatah, the two political parties involved in this struggle for leadership, but now I think its best if we start with geography to set the place and space up for your understanding. So let’s take a quick tour of the area and name some names…
Introduction to Palestine/Israel geography a.k.a. long story short: Currently, the area we refer to as Palestine is a political entity comprised of 2 separate geographic spaces, the West Bank and the Gaza Strip. See map at right. Notice I call it a ‘political entity’ as opposed to a state/country. Cause it’s not. Yet. There has been movement towards Palestine becoming a full sovereign state for the last decade or so, but this has not been accomplished—and the current events of June 2007 have radically complicated the process. But I am getting ahead of myself…
After the dismemberment of the Ottoman Empire at the conclusion if WWI, many territories that are now states in the Middle East were controlled by European powers under a system known as mandates. Of most interest to our particular story, the British had the mandate over what is now Palestine, Israel, and Jordan (see map). During Brit control thousands of Jews were allowed to migrate to the area, fulfilling a desire to re-obtain their ancient homeland in a movement referred to as Zionism. This went on at a slow pace for decades, but became radically accelerated after WWII, as the Nazi-sponsored Jewish Holocaust energized the Zionist movement to really formalize the whole Jewish homeland/state concept.
But there was one small problem for the incoming Jews—there were already other people living there! Shitloads of people! The people we call Palestinians! Arab/Muslim Palestinians that were living there weren’t too keen on this process, and friction between the groups developed. The Brits saw the impending shit-storm that was brewing, so they bailed out and handed over the entire area to the UN to let them sort it out. Subsequently, a majority of the United Nations Special Committee on Palestine recommended the creation of independent Arab and Jewish states, with Jerusalem to be placed under international administration, and on November 29, 1947 the UN General Assembly voted 33 to 13 in favor of the 1947 UN Partition Plan. (see map) The partition plan was rejected out of hand by the leadership of the Palestinian Arabs, by the Arab League, and by most of the Arab population.
This led Jewish leaders to declare the independent State of Israel the day prior to official British withdrawal, on 14 May 1948. All the surrounding Arab countries immediately attacked it, and the ensuing 1948 Arab-Israeli War ended with the former mandate territory controlled by the State of Israel, the Kingdom of Jordan, and the Kingdom of Egypt. Israel had successfully defended itself from the Arab attack and the US, the Europeans, and the UN recognized its sovereignty. But the fun had just begun…
I won’t go into detail here, but you should probably at least know this: since 1948 there have been multiple wars between Israel and the neighboring Arab states over control of the territories, but the most critical one was the 1967 6-Day War. Try and figure out how the war got its name. After that, try and figure out who is buried in Grant’s tomb. Anyway by this war’s end, Israel had gained control of eastern Jerusalem, the Gaza Strip, the Sinai Peninsula, the West Bank, and the Golan Heights. (see map)
The results of the war affect the geopolitics of the region to this day. The Sinai Peninsula eventually reverted back to Egypt and the Golan Heights will probably soon revert back to Syria, but the West Bank and the Gaza Strip have been under Israeli occupation and control since 1967…and continuing to this day. Which brings us to the end of this chapter…
The West Bank and Gaza Strip are sometimes referred to as ‘the Occupied Territories’, as in occupied by Israel forces. The areas, and specifically the borders, are patrolled and controlled by the Israeli military–complete with check points and road blocks and high security throughout. Some in Israel would argue that the areas were won in a war, so they should just claim them outright as part of Israel. But many more folks (including most other countries in the world) think that perhaps those territories should be controlled by the Palestinians, and even made into a separate sovereign state…which of course was the plan that the UN had put forth back in 1947. This idea is referred to as ‘the 2-state solution’ and we’ll talk more about it later.
All this mess has been further complicated by Israel‘s off-and-on support of the movement of Jewish settlers into these contested territories. So there are lots of Jewish settlements/towns/people throughout the West Bank, although there are not anymore in the Gaza Strip since the Israeli government forcibly removed them a few years back as a diplomatic gesture to promote the peace process. You may have also heard lately about a big-ass wall that Israel has been building around parts of the West Bank to improve security between the West Bank and Israel proper, but also protecting Jewish settlement areas within the West Bank itself.
This shit is so confusing. I hope this has helped. At least know what these geographic terms mean: the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, Israel, ‘the Occupied Territories’, and Palestine. Now that you have the geo-vocab, we can get into the nuts and bolts of the politics. This one last map may help you understand the changing geography of what/where ‘Palestine’ is:
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2007
Jun
24
What is happening my Party Plaid People? Sorry for the incredible incorrigible inconvenient incognito that I have indulged in for several weeks, but what can I say? Sometimes when you fall in cahoots with a couple of Asian hotties while working undercover to infiltrate a top-secret lingerie factory outside Rangoon…well, let’s just say that you lose track of time.
But now I’m back! And lo and behold! All hell has broken loose in the Strip! Now typically when I hear the word ‘strip’ it has nothing but positive connotations in my experience abroad. But when the strip in question is the Gaza Strip, we’re talking about a whole different type of being fucked. I have the distinct feeling that most Americans don’t have an utter clue about the importance of the events in Palestine in the last two weeks, and we need to change that.
Some serious shit has gone done there—and I mean history-altering type of shit. Everything in the Arab-Israeli dispute, the ‘two-state solution’, and peace in the Middle East is going to be different from here on out. Would you like to know more? Would you like to be among the 1% of Americans that actually know what the hell is going on in this situation? Then tune in for the next several days my friends and I’ll do my best to clue you in. Let’s do a Plaid Avenger first: a multi-day blog on a single subject. How about a line-up that looks like this:
Day 1: Who the hell is Hamas?
Day 2: What the fuck is Fatah?
Day 3: When did all this shit go down: a timeline
Day 4: Where the hell are these places we’re talking about? Territory matters!
Day 5: Why is the ‘2-state solution’ now totally tanked?
Day 6: Wrap-up; likely scenarios and what outside forces will do.
Damn! The who-what-when-where-and why of current events in Palestine. That is too damn good! Now I hope I can deliver the goods. Sound good to you folks? Drop me a line in the comments section—seriously. In fact, I think from now on this blog should only be written to answer specific questions or approach specific current events posed in the comments or emailed directly to me.
If you build it, they will come. If you ask it, it shall be written. That is my inebriated pledge to you, my friends.
Shit, now I’ve got to sleep off this hangover and figure out Hamas. I must be out of my mind. Check this out while you wait:
Mid-East leaders gather at summit
Haniya rejects Israel-Arab summit
Israel and U.S. agree on Palestinian approach
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2007
Jun
4
Ha! Smashing comedy! How capital! And speaking of capital, today’s topical topic involves those eight countries containing copious quantities of capital—the G-8. The Great-8 as I like to refer to them as. And the G could also stand for G-money my brotha’s and sista’s cause the 8 has got that too! I was just taking a weekend holiday in Amsterdam, when sure enough anywhere I show up shit hits the fan…and by shit I mean beer bottles, rocks, tear gas…you know, usual mob stuff.
That’s right friends, it’s almost time for the annual G8 summit and the Germans decided to start celebrating a couple of days early! Check this out:
G-8 Protesters Clash With German Police
Violent clashes at G8 demo in Germany
You remember the G8, right? If not, the G8 is basically just a group of eight richest “democratic” countries (Germany, US, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Japan, and Russia). Once a year, the leaders of the G8 states like to get together and chat—mostly about staying rich and keeping everyone else poor. This is actually how the G8 got started—leaders from the six richest, most awesome democratic countries (this is before Canada and Russia joined the club) met for cocktails in 1975 and after the party, they decided to do it again next year. This yearly party slowly evolved into a formal organization with a rotating presidency, blah, blah, blah…
Anyway, there is one sucky aspect about being president of the G8: you gotta host the party! Let me tell you, I have hosted some Animal House style parties in my day, but even the Plaid Avenger would NEVER choose to host a G8 summit! Nothing incites the poor, the disenfranchised, and the radical-left like a bunch of empowered white dudes getting together to bullshit about being rich. And NOBODY likes to riot more than the before mentioned groups (except, perhaps, residents of Detroit, Michigan).
As you can tell by the articles, this year’s summit is being held at a beach front resort in Heiligendamm, Germany. Ahhh… summer in Germany… and there is nothing as exclusive as a beach front resort surrounded by a giant-ass barb wire fence. And with an “underwater barrier” erected to keep out all the damn boats. (Plaid Party Tip: The secret to throwing a great summit—Fortify the SHIT out of the place!) The party will surely be wild inside the fence. It will be the last G8 summit meeting for several important heads of state: Vlad “The Man” Putin, Tony “Poodle-Boy” Blair, and Jacques “The Rock” Chirac (Plaid Prediction: the Kempinski Grand Hotel will be several bathrobes short at the end of the summit). It will also be the first G8 summit for Gordon ‘Brown Sugar’ Brown, Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy, and Shinzo “Sake-to-me” Abe—who, according to several sources, is capable of drinking over 30 Sapparo Black Label beers in one sitting! Sweet!
But, the real excitement will be outside of the fence. The pre-party started at a peaceful protest” in nearby Rostock. Don’t be surprised if people get more pissed and more violent after the summit actually begins! While G8 summits are typically filled with protest, this year may be worse than normal. Here are a few reasons why:
1.Energy costs are sky high.
2.Global Warming scares the shit out of people living in the Northern European lowlands.
3.GW Bush is remarkably even LESS popular than he was last year. Jesus! How is that possible?
What will the summit accomplish? Probably nothing as usual. This international group does not have any binding contractual agreement to actually do or enforce anything. It’s more just a ‘fireside chat’ among these top world leaders about what to focus on in the coming year, with no real intent to actually put any policy in place.
However, you should be aware about this ‘focus’ stuff. It was absolutely no coincidence that US President George Bush suddenly came out with a policy just last week which states that his administration wants to start dealing with global warming—after essentially ignoring the issue for six years! Its going to be up for debate at the G-8, and George doesn’t want to be odd man out anymore.
Also, look for everyone to be kissing Putin’s ass as much as possible since Russia is flexing its muscles here lately since establishing itself as an energy-producing giant. Since Russia provides shit-tons of energy to Europe, I’ll also bet that Putin is going to be putting the squeeze on those European leaders to convince the US to stop building its missile defense shield sites in Eastern Europe—in fact I’d put a lot of money on that bet.
OK, enough on this, I’m headed back to the “coffee shop”. I’ll catch you plaid cats later. Party in plaid.
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2007
May
30
What is up Party Plaid People!?! Sorry for the hiatus, but the Plaid Avenger got Shanghai-ed on his way to Pyongyang to play ping-pong with Jing-Jing the giant panda bear and official mascot of the 2008 Chinese Olympics. Ha! There’s your damn bear reference! Now this is officially the blog of Lions, Tigers, and Bears—and if you just said “oh my!” to yourself, then you are officially as gay as the Lollipop Kids in Munchkinland. But I digress as usual…
What I’m really here to educate you about involves beer and bombs, but not in that order. I landed here in Sri Lanka and after a week-long binge decided that you Americans should know about a couple of animals of note here in the former British colony known as Ceylon. This country has some fascinating wildlife you should look into…but these are no ordinary Lions and Tigers….
14 combatants killed in 2 days of Sri Lankan clashes
Tamil Tigers strike Colombo, naval base
Sri Lanka’s worsening war fans ethnic Tamils’ fears
Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam: the Wikipedia run-down for those interested in greater detail
Lion Stout rated from The Beer Advocate
The Lion hunt ends in west Londo from Michael Jackson (no, not the one-gloved freak)
Ah yes! Now that you have painstakingly perused those particular publications, let’s get on with the pontifications. The Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), commonly known as the Tamil Tigers, is a group that can be identified as either a rebel alliance fighting for freedom of its peoples, or a terrorist group stirring up trouble and causing political and economic turbulence in Sri Lanka—depending of course on the point of view of who you ask. If you ask the Tamil folks, they are freedom fighters; if you ask Sri Lanka, the EU, India, and the US, they are terrorists. So what gives?
This is an easy one to understand. Most of the folks hanging out in Sri Lanka are ethnically Sinhalese, comprising about 80% of the total population. The ethnic group called Tamils is concentrated in the north, east, and western provinces of the country, and can be further subdivided into two groups. Tamils, who were brought as indentured servants from India by British colonists to work on estate plantations, are called “Indian Origin” Tamils. They are distinguished from the native Tamil population that has resided in Sri Lanka since ancient times.
Ancient origins or forced labor, either way the Tamil ethnic group has its roots in India and account for about 10% of the total population. Thus, a minority. And a minority that feels threatened, coerced, or otherwise downtrodden by the Sinhalese majority. Is that the case? Hell if I know, but that’s the way it sits here in the 21st century… And as such, many Tamils feel they need to have their own territory independent of the Sinhalese controlled Sri Lanka proper. In short, it’s a civil war situation pulling the country apart. But that’s a common story the world over. What makes this one unique?
What are they known for? The Tigers should perhaps be credited mostly with the pronounced use of suicide bombers as a strategic tactic—and specifically using women as suicide bombers too. While we often think suicide bombers as a distinct tool of extremist Islamists or Palestinian splinter groups, Sri Lanka has been at it for a while too, and has been much more deadly with them, especially when it comes to targeting public officials and military targets as opposed to civilian ones. Of great note, the Tigers killed Indian Prime Minister Sri Rajiv Gandhi in 1991.
The other thing that sets the Tigers apart from modern day terrorist/rebel organizations is that they have a well-established ground base or territory that they work from (see map), a well-established and easily identified military organization (as witnessed in their cool uniforms), a totally wicked official logo (see above), a naval force (the Sea Tigers), but most importantly and most currently: air power. On March 26th of this year the Tigers flew a couple of small aircraft under the radar and dropped a few bombs around the Sri Lankan capital of Colombo. That is ballsy stuff my friends! No other group labeled as terrorist anywhere else in the world is so visible or carries out such organized attacks as the Tigers.
Mind you, I’m not singing their praises. This whole conflict should have been resolved peacefully years ago, and the Avenger blames both sides for being pig-headed and short-sighted. Over 60,000 Sri Lankans have died since 1983 as a result of this petty civil war, with no clear end in sight. Damn, why do we humans have to be so damn dumb?
From dumb to numb. Now let’s lighten the mood with the other topic of the day: Sri Lankan Lions! While the Tigers motives may be mischievous, the Lion in definitely the king of this jungle! I’m talking about beer my friends…a kick ass stout to be exact.
Originally brewed by Ceylon Brewery, the Lion line has expanded into its own in the last hundred years to be the premier export beer of the country. Still brewed in the hill town of Nuwara Eliya and now also in the recently established Lion Brewery in Biyagama, Lion Stout and Lion Lager embody all that is good and wholesome in the island country. And the Plaid Avenger will not lead you astray my friends–the stout is the more worthy your attention. Dark, rich, coffee and chocolate hints of pure deliciousness await you when you plunge into this beer. And packing an average 8% alcohol by volume, Lion Stout makes Guinness look and taste like baby shit in comparison.
You should easily be able to find this beer in any specialty store across the US…but why settle for second best? Get your ass on a plane and visit Sri Lanka—cause the beer packs an even bigger punch when it’s fresh in-country. I swear on the plaid pants my mother knitted me, this shit is more like 15% alcohol when you get it on tap in Colombo. Now look, you may think I’m a bullshitter, but I don’t mince words when it comes to my drinks…and even a professional drinker like myself got totally whammied by just two 20 oz. tall boys of this stuff in a hotel lobby outside the capital. Damn! That shit was good! I think the stuff brewed for consumption in Ceylon must have hallucinogenic properties…cause I got a warm fuzzy feeling after just one, and after the second I woke up with a Tamil Tigers tattoo across my ass!
Damn those Tigers! But praise the Lion! The Plaid Avenger has struck again!
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