The World's Plaidiest News Source
2007
Sep
6
Ha! Say that shit seven times swiftly in Sydney! It’s the Plaid Avenger coming at you again from ‘Down Under’ reporting live at the APEC meeting to bring all my plaid friends up to speed on what the hell is going on n the world. The meeting is still hot, and the booze is flowing as fast as fabricated vocabulary from George Bush’s lips…and I have to tell you, that guy can still do a serious inverted keg hit! Somebody told him that we were in the Southern Hemisphere, so he thought we all had to drink upside-down in order to get hammered! Dudes! This guy can party outside of the beltway!
But I digress as usual when I start getting buzzed with the Bushes… Today’s rant will be a quickie—I just want you to know what the hell APEC is, so dig this:
Fences, foes and farces: world view of APEC
APEC Nations Wrestle With Climate Change
Climate Change, Nuclear Power Central to APEC Meeting
APEC? OPEC? Thanks Austria!
There’s more to APEC than USA
APEC 2007 Homepage
APEC stands for the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation—famously referred to as 4 adjectives in search of a noun. Ha! Too hilarious! And many think the grouping is just 21 countries in search of a mission. And this year’s meeting in Sydney, Australia doesn’t seem to be helping clarify what this group is all about. But let’s see if the Avenger can sort out some of the details for you….
APEC consists of most…but not all…of the countries that border the vast Pacific Ocean. Hmmmm….let’s see, we’ve got Australia, Brunei, Canada, Chile, China, Hong Kong (which is China), Taiwan (which is China), Indonesia, Japan, South Korea, Malaysia, Mexico, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, Peru, Philippines, Russia, Singapore, Thailand, United States, and Viet Nam. These entities are referred to as “Member Economies” which stresses their main motivation to be in this club—its all about the money! Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money!
So how they make mo’ money at an APEC meeting? APEC is like many other economic unions across the plaid planet—like the WTO, NAFTA, the EU, and ASEAN just to name a few—whose primary goal is to get countries to sit down at the table once a year and figure out how to better increase economic trade amongst them. And how do they do that? By lowering trade barriers like tariffs (a fancy word for taxes), lowering barriers to international investment, and facilitating each other as much as possible in order to move goods, services, and money…we here in the real world refer to this as cooperation. So you have countries cutting deals and trying to work together in order for shit to move more freely economically….so like Thailand will tell Mexico, ” Hey, we won’t put any import taxes on your tequila if you promise to not put any import taxes on our pineapples,” and Mexico would be like, “Que? Si senor, that sheeet sounds sweet!”
However, you need to be aware of this: everything that goes down at an APEC meeting is non-binding. Huh? What the hell does that mean? That means that none of these countries during any of these talks is actually signing anything resembling a contract. There is no bound charter, or set of rules or regulations, or laws or by-laws. These 21 countries just meet once a year to rap about things informally and come to a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ about how to work together best in the coming year. This is NOT like the WTO, or NATFTA, or even the EU—those clubs all have legit constitutions or binding contracts or laws which all the member states agree to follow when they join. For instance, the WTO…which stands for the World Trade Organization…has almost all the exact same free-trade goals as APEC, but they also have laws which everyone agrees to follow. And if Thailand taxes tequila after they promised not to in the WTO, then Mexico can sue them via WTO law. Not so for APEC, which is non-binding.
And that leads us to the mystery and mystic of this grouping of countries. Why would these guys get together, when there are already so many other international organizations dealing with trade? Here’s why: this is a hot zone of trade on our planet. In fact the hottest! The Atlantic used to be the ‘in’ ocean for the last 500 years…what with all the explorers and colonist and trade and movement between Europe and the US. But the Atlantic heyday is over my friends, and the Pacific is now kicking ass! With the US as a major consumer, and the rise of China as a superpower, along with places like Japan, South Korea, Indonesia and Thailand already being industrial mega-producers, the Pacific Ocean is witnessing more international trade than the history of humans has ever known! Damn! Its crazy!
I know you’ve never heard this phrase yet, so let me be the first to spring it on you: we are in the Pacific Century. You heard it here first. More action will take place across this ocean than anywhere else on the planet in the coming decades. And that’s why this group was formed. The 21 APEC countries have 2.6 billion people in them, account for 60% of world GDP, and currently do over half of all the world’s trade between them. Damn. That’s a lot a vig. And its growing fast.
APEC was actually invented and in Australia back in 1989, so it has come full circle with them hosting this year’s event. Go figure: Australia can claim credit on two inventions now: APEC and the boomerang. No wonder they are so rich. NOT. Screw you Russell Crow! I’ll tell you what you can do with that boomerang you asshole! Oops…sorry…that guy really pisses me off. And I’m not the only one getting hot and bothered down here…some countries are starting to get miffed about the events here in Sydney….
Specifically, John Howard (you know who he is know, right?) and George Bush have been using the APEC forum to push their version of an anti-global warming agenda: an agenda which calls for poorer/developing countries like China and India to reduce CO2 emissions just like the rich countries are going to. I won’t get into right now, but this is really pissing off the Chinese and other developing states. Also, as part of their program, Howard & Bush are stressing the need to use nuclear power for energy generation, as well as pushing for more pro-democracy stuff within the member states. Again, pissing of China and Vietnam…and maybe even Russia.
The main point I want to make is that many things being talked about this year are not related to economics or trade, and this is blurring the lines a bit. China and Russia didn’t come to this forum to hear about global fucking warming man! What gives? Who knows my friends, I’m just giving you the straight talk here in Sydney. APEC, at least for this year, has become an avenue for the US (and its little brother Australia) to vent about many other non-money related themes.
We’ll just have to see how this plays out, and we also get to look forward to the group picture that always concludes the APEC summit. AS witnessed in the pics above, it is taken in some sort of customary dress of the host country, and usually ends up looking ultra-gay! I can’t wait to see it! And to give Crow the smack-down….I’ll tell you how that turns out too. As for now, party in plaid….
Comments
2007
Sep
5
Greetings from ‘Down Under’ my plaid friends. Down under the equator, in Australia that is…. Good’ay mates—or whatever sappy shit these goobers say down here! The Avenger is 20 beers deep, and I’m talkin’ those big ass Foster’s Lager oil cans my friends! Whew, my bladder is full enough to douse the Greek wildfires all by myself. But I digress and impress as usual…What the hell would the Avenger be doing down here in Australia, or as I like to call it: ‘Mini-America’?
Well, my dance card is full this week: I’m first going to go spear a bunch of crocodiles and manta rays in honor of the 1-year anniversary of the Croc Hunter’s death. Then I’ll be picking up several cases of vegemite and Toohey’s New [look it up—good stuff]. And I’ll probably have to hook up with Cate Blanchett for a bit…and then go smack the shit out of Russell Crowe just for good measure. But mostly I’m down here this week scoping out the big APEC meeting that is going down in Sydney! All the big world leaders around the Pacific Rim are here—but one came a little early to hook up with Australian Prime Minister John Howard. That would be one George W. Bush, Johnnie’s biggest fan. What? Bush loves Howard? Howard loves Bush? What gives here? Well, that’s what today’s rant is really all about. Dig this:
Bush and Howard in Sydney talks
Howard, Bush to discuss military ties
Howard and Bush present united front on Iraq War
Absence of body bags leaves Howard’s voter approval rating in the black
Howard Loss: Blow to Bush
Okay here we go! You folks got to know who the hell John Howard is, and what he means to the current President of the US. Since Tony ‘lap dog’ Blair has stepped down as the Prime Minister of the UK, there is no other world leader that can claim to be the #1 ass-kisser to the US except Prime Minister John Howard of Australia. John Howard is definitely Australia‘s ‘Bush Light’ to America‘s Bush. Ha! What a great beer reference that makes perfect sense in this situation! What the smell I’m I talking about now? Just this:
Howard is what you Americans would call a conservative. His political party is extremely similar to the Republican Party in the US too. As such, he has been tight with the Bush administration ever since Georgie got into power. Hmmm….what was that now, about 7 years ago? John Howard has 
been in office for 11 years, and is running for his 5th consecutive term. In point of fact, the two men met on September 10, 2001…and we all know what happened the very next day. And Bush and Howard have been 100% supportive of each other in pretty much every single way two world leaders can be, short of marriage. But of course neither of them believe in gay marriage either, so they just keep things on the low-down [see pic to your left—like I could make that shit up?] Long story short: politically, economically, and philosophically, these two guys are twins.
But let’s be honest here: the US is definitely the big brother in this situation, with the Australian twin lagging far behind in real military power, economic power, and even in political clout. But they have been as supportive a little brother as they could be! Mini-America has been doing their best!
And what has ‘their best’ consisted of? A few points to consider:
1)Absolute, unquestioning, and utter total support of the US war in Iraq. Australia was one of the first to sign up and support the US endeavor, and has had troops there from the start—only about 1500 troops, but it’s the thought that counts! And even though support for the war has been drying up around the world, Howard just announced yesterday that Australian troops are there to stay as long as the US wants them—no doubts, no questions asked. You should know this too: most Australians DON’T support the war as heartily as Howard does, and this is starting to cost him popularity points big time. It is predicted that he will lose the nest election based on this issue alone. And he may lose BIG.
2)ALMOST absolute, unquestioning, and utter total support of US foreign policy when it comes to Asia. And I did say ALMOST. What do I mean? Australia pretty much goes along with all US foreign policy directives in the area. In fact, many years back, George Bush referred to John Howard as the ‘deputy sheriff’ of Asia…that is, they were the local enforcers of ‘sheriff’ US‘s policies. Boy, did that one set off a shit storm! While it was intended to be a compliment, it totally served to piss off a whole bunch of Asian countries that considered it demeaning that all the ‘whities’ would think of themselves as in charge of the area. Howard was pretty embarrassed too, but he knows Georgie meant well. How hilarious!
But I did say ALMOST total support for US policies in Asia. With one big exception: China. The US is definitely using its strong strategic partnership with Australia and Japan, among others, to serve as a counter against the rise of China‘s power in the region. The US would like to see both Australia and Japan stay firmly and completely in step with US foreign policy when it comes to China‘s rise. BUT, Howard is no fool. Because of the massive economic powerhouse China has become, Howard knows he has to kiss some Chinese ass too in order to stay in tight with those guys. He has been forging all kinds of economic and strategic ties to China, because its making the Australian economy so much stronger. He’s got to do it, and he has been. And finally…
3)Strengthening ties between Australia and US on just about every single damn topic you could dream up. Such as? Well, both leaders used to dismiss global warming altogether…and now suddenly they both think it’s a big deal and are supporting each other with a grand plan that they have cooked up—one that puts the heat on China to reduce greenhouse gases as much as the US does. Hmmmm….does that sound like a coincidence that these two twins would come out with a plan that pressures China? Yeah, I don’t think so either.
Other ties that are currently going down include: increased sharing of military technologies, increased joint military exercise, increased security information sharing, increased nuclear power technologies sharing, increased joint promotion of nuke power and increased long walks on the beach together holding hands….. but that’s another blog that will have to wait for now.
But the love between these two leaders waits for no one…let the APEC love-fest begin! What is APEC you ask? Let’s do that tomorrow!
Party in Plaid
——-
Comments
2007
Sep
4
Sweetness! I love a good party….and I love a great party even more! And when the party is the 6-Party Talks, well, I think you know that the Avenger is going to be getting his drink on… times 6! To understand the plaid world in which we all co-habitate in my friends, you really must know what, or who, or where, the 6-Party is. And the party just got it going on over the last weekend, with some very interesting results. In fact, I have been partying in Pyongyang playing power ping-pong while getting my drink on with a Chinese panda named Ling-Long! Ha! Top that on a Labor Day weekend! So what the hell is this Korean party all about? Check it:
US Says North Korea to End Nuclear Program
No Form Date to Take North Korea Off Terror List
North Korea Close to Being Struck from Terror List
One Less on the Axis of Evil?
N Korea Asks to Leave Axis of Evil, Cites “Creative Differences” (this is satire, but its good!)
So who the hell gets the invite to the 6-Party? I’m glad you asked. The sweet 6 are the US, China, North Korea, South Korea, Russia, and Japan. And what’s the party all about? Just as easy to answer: the goal of the party is to find a peaceful resolution to the security concerns raised by North Korea attempting to build a nuclear program. Nuclear bombs specifically, which of course always worries anybody in the world that doesn’t want to get fucking blown up. And especially the countries that are right next door to North Korea which would be the first to be targeted. And quite frankly, everybody and their Asian brother is worried about North Korea getting anything close to a nuclear warhead, since their country is run by a complete fucking lunatic.
Which lunatic? That would be Kim Jong-il. The freak. Not to be too harsh on the guy, but I generally refer to him as the Michael Jackson of the Korean peninsula. He lives in a palace while his people starve to death, but is surrounded by military whackos and court jesters who tell him he’s a god and that everybody loves him. Shit, the dude is totally clueless about reality….much like Jackson, he is just living in his isolated Neverland Ranch, propped up by admirers that tell him everything is great. Unfortunately, Kim il-Jong’s ‘ranch’ happens to be a country, and he happens to be the head of it. And Michael Jackson’s nose is real. Just like his skin. Yeah right. Fucking freaks the both of them. But I digress as usual…
So the US, Russia, Japan, South Korea, and even China are not really keen on this goober or any of his military advisers acquiring nuclear weapons. So much so that all the countries have been working in earnest for years to get this group of freaks to relinquish development of their nuclear program, pull their heads out of their asses, and join the rest of the real world. The US has been so insistent about it that they put North Korea in their famous ‘Axis of Evil’ category along with Iraq and Iran.
Of course Iraq is now off the list since its occupied by the US…. oh, and no weapons were actually found anyway. And now folks around the world are debating about what to do to Iran and their nuclear program. But there really has never been any debate about the North Korea situation: everyone thinks they are nuts and all surrounding countries just want them to knock off with the damn shenanigans! Too bad whacko North Korea! You are on your own! Not even China wants to put their neck out for those freaks.
And apparently that’s why the 6-Party talks are working. Everyone has been putting the heat on the Koreans to dismantle their nuclear program. And it looks like it worked! The stories above reference that just last weekend the North Korean regime has agreed to not only stop production of nuclear materials, but to completely dismantle their program by the end of the year! Damn! That’s big news! But why would they nutty Northerners agree to this at this particular time? Why not earlier? Or why agree at all?
Here’s why: they suck. The North Korean economy is non-existent. The people are starving to death, and winter is fast approaching which will result in many more folks starving to death. North Korea just got the shit kicked out of them by major floods all summer. Their already meager crops are going to suck ass this year. People are trying to literally haul ass out of the country by the thousands—it has gotten so bad in the last year that the Chinese have posted troops all over their border with North Korea to stem the tide of immigrants trying to get the hell out of there. Seriously, the place is a total joke. And everyone in the leadership is starting to realize that they can’t keep this total sham of a country afloat for much longer.
Call in Michael Jackson! Maybe he can lull the North Korean masses into submission by singing ‘Beat It’ a million times! Shit, the whole damn place already looks like a scene from the fucking ‘Thriller’ video. Dude! I would pay serious money to see Kim il-Jong do the moonwalk!
But anyway, North Korea can no longer afford to piss off all its neighbors, especially when all those neighbors [as well as the US] are going to be providing them with all sorts of food aid, fuel aid, and financial aid as incentive to give up the nukes. And the Plaid Avenger has always been convinced that the quest for nukes by the North Koreans has been simply about having a card to play in international politics…in other words a leveraging tool for the world to take the North Koreans seriously. Now that the North Korean position is a total joke and the country is nearing collapse, giving up the nukes appears to be the only face-saving device which allows Kim and his funky bunch to get international assistance while keeping their rule—and the entire country—intact.
You’ll notice from the stories above that as soon as the 6-Party ended on Sunday, the North Koreans ran out to the press and announced that the US was normalizing relations with them, and taking them off the ‘Axis of Evil’/terrorist list. What a bunch of boneheads! The US immediately renounced that claim, and has instead said that they will be working towards patching up relations with the Koreans, and possibly taking them off the ‘terror list’ once the nuclear plants are actually totally dismantled. Shit! Those whack-ass North Koreans can’t even keep the story strait for 5 damn minutes.
BUT! Whatever the story is, it is a promising turn of events for the US, South Korea, Japan, and the entire world. Promising for the North Koreans because they will undoubtedly get shit tons of aid, just when they need it most. Perhaps they will actually give up all efforts to make nukes. Perhaps the US will take them off the terror list. Perhaps the Korean peninsula will start a re-unification process if this goober regime opens up a little. Perhaps Michael Jackson and Kim il-Jong will become fast friends…and then lovers… Who knows what the rosy future holds?
And repercussions outside the Korean peninsula? There are plenty, but only one worth mentioning, and it’s a doozie! And its also in the news on the same day, which compounds its importance! What the smell am I referring to? I’m talking about Iran, and how the 6-Party is going to cause a huge fucking hangover for them, even though they weren’t invited to the crib! Dig this:
Iran Meets Key Target in Nuclear Program
Long story short, just as North Korea is renouncing nukes, Iran is bragging that they are fast developing them. Damn! Its like those guys are absolutely determined to piss off the world! I’ll deal with the Iranian nuke program later, but know this for now: with North Korea out of the picture, the ‘Axis of Evil’ is fast turning into the ‘Axis of One’ aka ‘the Only Evil One Left’. Iran was already getting plenty of attention for its nuclear activities; with North Korea going legit, all eyes of the world will now be sternly focused of what the hell Iran is now going to do. Shit! IS is getting hot in here or what?
So know this my fine American friends: know what the 6-Party is all about; know the Kim-il really is pretty ill—in his head; know that North Korea is going straight and may rejoin the rest of us here on planet earth soon. And know why this is turning up the heat on Iran….
Party in Plaid in Pyongyang!
Comments
2007
Aug
31
So delicious (It’s hot hot)
So delicious (she put them boys on rock rock)
So delicious (They want a slice of what she got)
She’s Merkel-licious (t-t-t-t-t tastey, tastey)
Merkel-licious def-, Merkel-licious def-, Merkel-licious def-
Merkel-licious definition make them boys go crazy
Them world leaders love her–they want to make her babies
That Chancellor of Hotness, and of Germany’s
She’s the M to the E, R, K the L the E
And can’t no other lady put it down like she…
She’s Merkel-licious
Hello again world watchers! The Plaid Avenger has bopped back to Berlin to meet up with his favorite female fraulein freedom fighter…and seemingly the baddest ass lady leader in the world: Angela Merkel, the Chancellor of Germany! Damn, I love a woman in power! And this lovely lady has got it going on: she’s not only the current leader of Germany, but has also just led the most recent meeting of the G-8, and is also the current leader of the EU, and is also the undisputed leader of the worldwide movement to lower carbon emissions in order to slow global warming. And, and, and…this woman is all over the place! She is smokin’ on fire, busy as a bee, kickin’ ass and takin’ names global-style. Dig this:
The World’s 100 Most Powerful Women
Merkel to press China on Darfur
Merkel Pushes G-8 Climate Pledge in 5-Day Trip to China, Japan
Germany’s Merkel rated most popular midterm chancellor ever
The Stable Ms. Merkel
Merkel in lead role on G8 stage
And even though she’s a lady, Angela has got more balls than virtually any other world leader on the planet. Okay, I forgot about that the total Russian bad-ass Vladimir Putin…he’s got balls-a-plenty too—dudes! I’d like to see a cage match between those two world leaders! Wow, that would be insane! Or better yet, a drinking competition. A German versus a Russian in a drink-off! Holy shit, that might last for a week! But I digress as usual….let’s get back to the story….
Chancellor Angela Merkel is a world leader that I think you just absolutely have to get to know. She is one of those leader-types that is actually changing the entire world in which we live. And she has tremendous clout on the world stage right now, which makes her even more powerful than merely a leader of a single country. What the hell am I rambling about now? Well, I’ll tell you…
Politically, Angela Merkel is what you Americans would call on the conservative side of the spectrum. Her German political party, the Christian Democratic Union, would be comparative to the Republican Party in the US. As such, US President George Bush loves her sweet German ass! Check out the photo spread below: it was taken at a 2006 G-8 summit when George tried to give Angela a shoulder massage during the meeting. Ha! She was mortified! How fucking hilarious is that shit! He is such a goober!
Seriously though, Bush loves her! Angela’s predecessor was Chancellor Gerhard Schröder, and he was much more on the liberal side of the spectrum, much more like the Democrats in the US. As such, Bush and Gerhard didn’t get along so well. In fact, they hated each other. Under Schröder, Germany (along with France) were vehemently opposed to the US invasion of Iraq, and relations between the two countries sucked ass. But since Angela’s arrival in November 2005, US/German relations have been downright peachy! Well, except for that fucked up shoulder massage deal….
So the once soured relations between these two titans has significantly softened—remember, US has the #1 economy on the planet, Germany is #3. Political and economic relations have both improved radically in the last year, with the US avidly supporting economic incentives within Germany, and vice-versa. On top of that, the German economy under Merkel has been doing exceptionally well too. According to a recent poll, Merkel is the most popular Chancellor in post-war German history—I guess Hitler would still hold the top marks if you included the whole 20th century—oops!
But hold the phone! We’re not done yet, because Angela has been doing a whole lot more than just leading her country! She is also the current head of the European Council, which is kind of like a CEO board for the European Union. The Council, like the EU, has a rotating leadership cycle, and Germany‘s ticket was called for this year. So Ms. Merkel has also been extremely busy trying to strengthen the European Union—mostly by getting the EU constitution revamped and ready for member countries to vote on, and hopefully pass this time! The constitution got voted down last year, and the EU has been kind of floundering around every since. We’ll do a blog on the EU soon, but just know this for now: Germany under Merkel is a huge fan of beefing up the Union and making it stronger and more centralized (kind of like a United States of Europe), while several other countries (most notably the UK) do not want a beefier EU. We shall see how that plays out later this year….
So are we done yet? Not hardly! Merkel’s Germany also just hosted the latest G-8 summit; a summit which consisted of the richest, industrialized, democratic nations on the planet. And she let those guys have it too! Merkel is a staunch advocate of decreasing CO2 emissions in an effort to combat climate change, and as such was one of the creators of the Kyoto Protocol back in 1997 which called for all countries to set targets to decrease carbon crap output…you know: pollution. Many countries have been on-board for the idea, but what country do you think has outright refused to participate from the start? Yep…that’s right …the good ol’ US of A! And that’s why I want you to know how important Angela is, because it looks as if her global push for this stuff is actually starting to win over the US too! (US turning around on global warming). It’s amazing! She is the global shizznit!
To finish the rant: Merkel-licious has also been touring the globe, promoting trade relations with Germany of course, but also pushing her climate agenda, human rights stuff, European Union prerogatives, and even pressuring countries to step up against bullshit situations like the ones in Sudan, Iraq, and Afghanistan. She has partied across Europe, the Middle East and is currently on an Asian tour. Damn! When does this chick sleep?
So know your Merkel. Know she is a very popular conservative leader of Germany. Know that she has improved relations with the US greatly. Know that she is the global leader in the fight for reduced CO2 shit. Know that perhaps it is her political savvy combined with her more pro-US stance that has influenced the Americans to change their minds about the CO2 reduction shit. Hmmmmm…..now you are smarter than your average bear! And I want to see Merkel in a plaid miniskirt…..wow! Too hot too handle!
Comments
2007
Aug
29
Today’s story is the tip of an iceberg that will be floating your way soon global friends. I just flew into Islamabad from a quick stop in London, where I was able to throw back a few lagers at a choice pub with some fine Swedish beauties and check in with Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) on some recent developments.So what the hell am I talking about – a party with some Pakistani hotties?? Unfortunately no, but this could be just as hot:
Musharraf ‘to quit as army chief’
Musharraf said to agree to end his army role
Benazir Bhutto charges ‘to be dropped’
Bhutto and Musharrafy ‘reach deal’
Precariously Perilous Position: President Pervez of Pakistan
General Pervez Musharraf is easily the most totally fucked world leader on the planet right now—and his season of hell has no happy ending in sight either. Man, I wouldn’t wish his position on a broke-dick dog. What am I talking about? I’m glad you asked my plaid party posse, ‘cause you Americans really need to know this shit, especially since your government has a huge interest in Pervez and the whole precarious Paki predicament! Here we go:
General Pervez Musharraf is also President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan. But make no bones about it, while he may be called President and walk around in a nice suit, he is still the main General and commands the armed forces. Mush took over the government by force in 1999 and has led it ever since. He is a huge US ally (Pakistan is the #3 recipient of US foreign aid), and major player in the fight against global terrorism, but simultaneously is not much loved at home. Pervez gets all that US aid and support in order to fight terrorism in Pakistan and Afghanistan—remember, Osama bin Laden and his funky bunch are thought to still be chillin’ out in the area around the border.
And Musharraf is trying to pacify the wants and desires of 170 million Paki citizens—that’s the 6th biggest population in the world. It’s also a devoutly Islamic society, including the whole spectrum of religious views from the mainstream to the seriously extreme. It’s a society that has attempted to be a democracy since its inception back in 1947, with less than desirable results—the reason Mush took over the country in 1999 was because of massively widespread government corruption. And Pakistan is a nuclear power, with nuclear missiles that need to be controlled. And to fight terrorism, he has had to crack down on civil liberties in the country, which pisses off the locals. And to keep getting international aid, he has to suck up to the western powers, which pisses off the locals more. And, and , and….and this guy is fucked!
There have been several assassination attempts, and violent protests always seem to lurk just below the surface of this society. The latest turmoil erupted over the summer when Pervez fired the leader of the Pakistani Supreme Court (the guy was just re-instated last week). This caused widespread protests by folks who were pro-democracy and felt like Mush has too much power. It also incited riots by pro-Islamist groups who want the whole state to become an Islamic republic like Iran (maybe you heard about the Red Mosque shooting/stand-off back in July?). Dude! Everything this guy does pisses everybody off here lately!
With the attempted sacking of a powerful Pakistan Supreme Court judge and the rapid increase of shit being blown to bits throughout the country, his support is at an all time low and parliamentary elections are rapidly approaching. At hand is some crazy shizznit, stemming mostly from the Perv’s dual role as president and military chief. Since seizing power in a 1999 coup, Musharraf has held both positions, much to the ire of many – including Nawiz Sharif and Benazir Bhutto, who happen to be former prime ministers now living in exile that are not known for their love for the Perv.
Sharif is certainly a critical part of this Paki saga, but let’s just talk about Bhutto for now, because she will soon be playing an important role in Pakistan‘s political climate based on what is unfolding right this second. This hottie has been a political exile in London for quite some time, since being ousted from her position as Prime Minister on corruption charges—actually, she was thrown out of office for corruption not once, but twice! Fired from being the Prime Minister in 1990, she came back and got fired again and exiled in 1996. Her father, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, was a highly controversial former president and prime minister of Pakistan that was executed as the result of some fucked up stuff that happened in the late 70’s—so the Bhutto clan is well known in the country. The Bhuttos also started the PPP [the Pakistan People’s Party] which Benazir now heads, even though she is not in the country. She has been an outspoken critic of Musharraf for years, joining many in the calling for him to ‘remove the uniform’ and give up his military post while serving as president. Musharraf has repeatedly ignored the outcry with a big ass “Hell No!!,” and Bhutto has been unable to return to Pakistan for fear of arrest and prosecution by a sketchy judicial system.
So why is Bhutto—a critical, corrupt, exiled hottie—suddenly so important to the Perv? I mean, the lady isn’t even in Pakistan, right?? As stated above, Musharraf has seen his popularity steadily decline throughout this year for many reasons—the Supreme Court tinkering, the increase in militant Islamic activity, his pro-Western ass-kissing, etc. He kind of ‘faked’ an election a few years back in order to make it look like the place is still a functioning democracy. To ‘fake’ another election here soon to regain another 5-year appointment could be explosive! I mean, ask any woman about this kind of shit—you can only ‘fake’ it so many times before you get busted…ladies, you know what I’m saying out there! If the Mush tries to slip another ‘set-up election’ orgasm past his people again, there will be a real explosion. Pun intended.
So the General/President can’t fake it this time. And he can’t win outright on his own either. So what to do? How about teaming up with a powerful, popular political party? Hell yeah Mush! Do that! The PPP is very popular in Pakistan, and a power sharing deal with this group could widely expand the Perv’s support base. In addition, Bhutto herself has a pro-Western outlook and has been outspoken in condemning radical Islamic activity in the country—a plus for the US, which has been encouraging that these two get together for a while now. So what is in this spicy deal, anyway? Well, it is too early to tell, but the PA has got a serious tip on this one. Here is what could happen, and most likely will if things continue down the same path:
Musharraf will strip his uniform prior to seeking appointment? Holy shit PA—a naked world leader?? No friends, but I have seen a few in my day (and, surprisingly, Margaret Thatcher did have soft, supple buttocks). What this means is that he will he will most likely step down as military chief prior to the end of the year, in exchange for Bhutto’s, and more importantly the PPP, support. Bhutto will most likely be able to return to Pakistan, with assurances that she receives immunity from the corruption charges that resulted in her exile. She may even be given an opportunity to play a role in the future prime minister position.
Long story short: General Musharraf will retire. President Musharraf will run for the presidency again. And Miss Benazir will shake, shake, shake her Bhutto into being the Prime Minister. At least that’s want the US desperately wants—‘cause they are relying on Mush to keep up the fight against terrorism in the area, and it looks like Bhutto is going to help out with that too.
Hmmmm…..speaking of Bhuttos, I need to get back down to the local hookah bar for some local action. Party on my friends.
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Ha! Say that shit seven times swiftly in 
